Addiction
by ever4
Summary: A normal lunchtime turns awry when Alice discovers a girl who appears to be secretly cutting herself. What's worse...she isn't the only one. Join the family as they struggle to come to terms with Bella's past, present, and future post New Moon. AR/IN
1. The Beginning

**A/N: **This story has a mind of its own; I'm just trying to keep up. It was my first, so in a way it's kind of my baby. I hope you enjoy it as much as I love writing it.

**Disclaimer: Despite what I may wish for, I don't own Twilight. And despite my dreams, I do not have a sparkly-vampire-boyfriend, either. Steph, you owe me my normal dreams back. And I owe you this story. **

**EPOV**

I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF ALL OVER AGAIN. The white walls were starting to seem more like they should belong in a psyche ward instead of a lunchroom. The only thing that could possibly keep me sane was the angel sitting beside me, hand firmly wrapped with mine under the linoleum table. _Bella. _My Bella. My beautiful, heart wrenching Goddess… to think I had almost lost her just nearly a month back… I shuddered at the implied vision; her lifeless face, lips blue from the freezing water…

_No._ I had to tell myself this firmly, for I could feel yet again that sinking sensation of depression swooping over me. _He saved her. She's safe._ I chanted it over and over again, like a mantra, until I could firmly believe it.

Of course, this wasn't actually the issue that was making me feel so on edge. The knowledge that I hadn't been the one to save her, that that _dog_ had… it just made me, well, angry. And depressed. The entirety of my feelings could be summed up to one word, I suppose, but I wasn't too fond on using it. I was jealous.

I'd never even had to deal with anything like this until I'd met her, but I suppose the… lust, almost… was what made my quest for her love so enticing. And naturally, of course, anyone as glorious as Bella should call for a little competition.

But competition came with a chance of not succeeding, of not getting what I wanted…_needed_… And I hated not getting what I wanted. Even if there was a slight chance that my love might choice someone other than myself, well… it was a difficult issue to come at. Distracting, almost…which was why, at 1:05 on a lifeless Tuesday afternoon, I was not watching my surroundings.

'_Damn.'_ I jerked my head towards the voice, knowing full on well what was coming next. Jasper stiffened next to Alice, and in response her Pixie face instantly became taught with worry, and then… it looked gone, like she wasn't really there. I followed into her thoughts, observing the vision as it played out, only minutes away… A motionless girl, eyes wide with a look I couldn't place, staring up at Jasper as he…well, _hell_ no.

I swiftly brought my mind back from the vision, locking eyes with Jasper as he tried to restrain himself. Now that she was closer, I could smell her as he did. It was delicious, an aroma like no other, running freely at her wrist under long sleeves as she walked towards her table, a small smile playing on her lips. It would be so nice to taste it, to see if she was really as luscious as… I was getting distracted.

"Jaz." I wanted to see how far gone he was before I did anything too perilous. "Get up. Leave." No response. At least he hadn't jumped out of his seat and-

'_WE HAVE TO GET HER OUT OF HERE!' _The voice was Alice's, and though she didn't actually say it out loud, it was as if everyone understood what was going on. Emmett moved a restraining hand towards Jasper, carefully observing the chattering lunch crowd so as to make sure that no one had noticed anything out of the ordinary.

I heard a grumbled curse and shot a glare towards Rosalie as Alice and I carefully descended from our seats, leaving behind a bewildered Bella as we did so.

"Edw-" I cut her off by quickly holding a finger up as Alice walked towards our target. I wanted to explain, I hated interrupting her, but right now there was just no time. If we were going to get the girl out before Jasper snapped, we had to move.

'_It's okay, stay.'_ I glanced quizzically towards Alice as her thoughts reached me, wanting badly to interrupt, but she turned on her heel without farther conversation, stopping just a few feet away to lightly brush the shoulder of a girl just a little younger than us, by the look of her. Well, technically she was a lot younger…

I watched in astonishment as Alice worked her magic. In less than five seconds she had the girl heading out of the cafeteria, dark hair swaying behind her from the speed. I breathed out a sigh of relief as the doors swung shut behind them, and no one had noticed a thing. Incredible.

"_What_ was that about?" Bella's sweet voice angrily demanded from behind me, and I glanced backwards to see that she had risen from her chair, though my siblings were now apparently much more relaxed. Jasper still looked ready to kill someone, but I knew from his thoughts that he wouldn't actually act on his impulses this time, Thank God. Emmett looked like he was ready to crack up, and Rosalie, well, Rose looked like she always did; uncaring.

I glanced quickly at Jasper for the okay, but all I got was his tired view of the recent incident. Finally, he turned to me, and his next thought was directed at me: '_Do what you have to do.'_

I was about to do just that, when a familiar Pixie face strode through the doors with a calm mask apparently back on her face. Well this couldn't be good.

As soon as she was close enough, I whispered urgently, "Alice, where is she? You can't just shove her out here like that. How did you even manage it so fast? She was losing a lot of blood; she needs to go to the nurse, at least-" Her topaz eyes sparked with something for a moment, before she replied, calmly…

"Edward, can we talk about this after lunch?" Oh, she was in for it now. I could just see the wheels in Bella's head working overtime as she tried to keep up with the crazy conversation. If Alice really believed that just saying that was going to keep Bella, or any of our siblings out of the-

'_She did it to herself.'_

Oh. Well, this was getting interesting.


	2. Uh Oh

**Song For This Chapter: Secret - The Pierces. Yes, I got it from PLL.**

**APOV**

I quickly located the girl, heading forth with little pause. She needed to leave, and she needed to leave _now. _

She was pretty, I thought, as I put on my most charming supernatural smile. '_More like pretty lost,' _Emmett would have said. My smile faltered for a moment before I approached her. "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" I asked her, motioning towards the doors, trying to hide my anxiety as she stared back at me with Bambi wide eyes.

Her voice was too high when she responded. "Uh…sure, I guess so?" She looked at me with the familiar sense of fear and admiration that humans so often gave us. It wasn't anything they could control, of course, just as the aura we gave off was out of our own control. She stared at me for another moment, seemingly unsure. I had never had any classes with her, so of course it would be a little strange for a random girl to approach her looking as I did. Add that to the natural unease humans felt around us, and there was no wonder she was looking a little shaky. However, that was not what I was worrying about right now. Her arm. I'd had a vision about her arm.

_Blonde hair matted in her face as she scratched nervously towards her flesh, worried the whole time that someone might barge in and accuse her of just what she was doing. _Oh, the poor girl._ She was frightened, terrified even… but that didn't stop her from making another clear line, with her nails I was startled to see. Hadn't she ever heard of razors? Or maybe she hadn't been able to get her hands on one… I watched as she repeated the process again and again, continuing on until she drew blood. At the sight, she instantly relaxed, as if a wave of calm had overtook her. She sighed and eased herself onto the toilet in one of the stalls, the gray door the only separation from her and the world. _

I blinked myself back into reality, finally understanding the feeling that had washed over me when Edward had wanted to advance with me. Of course. This was an ongoing problem; he was much too brash to understand this sort of situation. I'd have to inform him later of her struggle, and not much later by the impatient stare I knew was burning into my back. Without hesitation, I grabbed her cold fingers and ushered us into the hallway, only now starting to think about what I would say.

**EPOV**

My heart broke at her words. It wasn't the first time we had come across someone like this, and as vampires, we had a bit of a better sense when it came to this type of thing – but I felt for her all the same. I hated that this girl hurt herself. I immediately had the urge to 'fix her,' much as I'd had with the previous cutters we'd met. I wondered what Alice had said to her. I hoped it had been nice, but I also hoped she had addressed the issue at hand. Not just for her sake, either; Jazz couldn't deal with smelling fresh blood like that, and I didn't much like it either. It was simply a preventable inconvenience. With a little work, we could help her break the habit and see to it that she never did it again. Plus, with Bella so fragile right now, I didn't want her to get any ideas. But then again, Bella would always talk to me before sinking into that kind of state. _No way, _I thought after a moment. I actually laughed at the idea—Bella couldn't even stand the scent of her own blood when the cut was _accidental._ I had nothing to worry about with her.


	3. Here It Comes

**Song for the chapter: Bad Day - Daniel Powter. Kind of random, I know. But... yeah. Enjoy. **

**EPOV**

"So, what was that about today at lunch?" Bella asked. It was lightly drizzling, so we were walking fast (for a human) as we headed to her truck. Classes had just finished, which was supposed to mean I finally got to spend a little alone time with her—not the case, today. Today, well, today I was going hunting, hence the need for her truck to take her home. If not for Alice's warnings of me losing self-control (though I really didn't think that would be the case with all we'd been through) then I would have put it off another week. Sadly, I hadn't argued this time when Carlisle had brought it up. Which meant I was leaving my precious angel for a few days. Well, less if I had anything to do about it. Still.

I sighed in defeat as she reached the drivers side, turning around quickly to face me before she left. Waiting for an answer, even now, with our goodbye looming over us. How could she be completely oblivious to the mental struggle I had just engaged in? Was she not the slightest bit sad about our near departure? I stopped myself in my tracks, _I couldn't think like that_. Bella deserved an answer. I was a little hesitant to tell her, but as the rain continued to soak into her jacket as she waited, I gave up in defeat. I sighed again, but this time it was for a completely different reason.

"The girl was bleeding. Jasper lost control; we had to get her out of there before anything happened." I thought about it for a minute, and then added, "She cut herself. Well, cuts, really. On purpose." I rolled my eyes, because the sheer idea of it was absolutely revolting. I hoped Bella couldn't detect the scolding in my voice, but being Bella, of course she did.

I was surprised at the severity of her voice when she spoke.

"Don't sound so negative," she reprimanded. "I'm sure a lot of people do it, so you shouldn't act all parent-y. I mean, do you even know her?" Bella asked. I shook my head, so she continued. "There. I mean, you don't know what's going on with her at home or anything, so it's not your place to judge. That's actually a pretty awful move, Edward."

Her words surprised me. Bella almost never contradicted me. It wasn't that she was afraid to or anything, just that, for the most part, we were usually on the same page. She even seemed a little angry—but this wasn't anger, I decided. This was something… else.

I moved forward to prevent her from climbing into the cover of her truck, pulling lightly on her arm until she spun around. "She hurts herself intentionally, Bella, don't you think that deserves the slightest bit of concern?" I asked. I tried to keep my voice level, but the truth was that I was mildly disgusted by the whole matter. How a human could resort to cutting their own flesh, well, it was appalling.

Bella took a deep breath before continuing, and seemed to be debating whether or not to say something as she exhaled.

"I get that, Edward. I just think that you should leave her alone, okay? Jasper can freakin' deal for once in his life! I mean, we know what happened last time he couldn't handle a paper cut. Don't you think it's time he finally learns?" I was surprised to hear the harshness in her tone, almost like it was an order. Wow. I stared openmouthed at her small form. This was definitely not like the Bella I knew. My Bella rarely ever snapped, and when she did she was always apologizing profusely after. This time, Bella seemed to stick by her words.

"I-where is this coming from?" Without giving them permission to do so, my hands locked around her wrists as I stared at her. I just had to understand her. I had to. I had to get inside her mind. Something was off. There was something there, something that I just couldn't read or understand.

"I'm just saying that everyone has a reason, Edward. You're not her, so drop it. You can't understand." Bella's face contorted with the last line, like she had slipped up on something she wasn't supposed to say. But how? She had just said the-

"And you can?" It clicked into my brain like lightning, and suddenly I was terrified of her answer. This was not the Bella I knew. This was not her. It couldn't be.

The rain seemed to ease up for a moment, but there was a thunder storm brewing in my head. Bella hesitated for a moment. Finally, she looked away from me and muttered quietly, "I had a past, Edward."

I froze.

**APOV**

I was scared. Scared because I had just had a vision about Bella, and Edward would not like what he heard.

_"I had a past, Edward. I only moved to Forks last year." _My face twisted at the line; of course she did, of course. We all knew that Bella's time in Phoenix was something none of us would ever really know about. But this was a secret that I just couldn't believe. I'd never noticed any scars. I'd seen her naked. I'd had to help her shower for _weeks. _There was no way that someone could have had that addiction and come out completely clean. It just didn't add up. Why would Bella have felt the need to cut? As far as I knew, nothing super traumatic had happened to her back in Phoenix. Well, aside from James. But that was after we met her, before she got tangled up with the Cullen's. She always talked about her time there like she loved it, like it was something she even missed. I just didn't believe it, not one bit.

**EPOV**

_"What do you mean you used to have a past? Are you telling me you used to cut yourself?"_ I hadn't meant to yell, but God she was scaring me. She couldn't have. Not my Bella, not her.

"Edward. _Shut up_." She said. I could see why I should. People were starting to stare, and the last thing I needed- or her, for that matter- was attention. So we would have to talk about this in the truck.

"_In the car Bella_." It came out like a hiss, and I visibly tried to keep my voice level. "_Now_, please."

She looked like she was about to argue, but at that moment a gust of black hair entered my peripheral vision, and I relaxed. Alice was here.

"Ugh, Bella. I'd do what he says," Alice said. "You can't imagine how angry he is right now." And with that, Alice opened the trunk and climbed in. "I'm coming, you know. As your maybe in the future sister, I think you have some explaining to do. Also, I can't just leave you alone with an angry bear." She joked, and I scowled. "Rose and Emmett will pick up the cars."

"I'm driving." I said. Bella started to protest, but I swiftly snatched the keys from her hand and had the driver's side door open before she could blink. I tapped my foot impatiently, and she finally seemed to get the message.

"_Why_." She whined, and in normal conditions I would have smirked, but I was still a little too preoccupied to care. Did she not understand how upset I was right now? This wasn't a little thing that you just plopped down in normal conversation. Bella had _cut _herself. _On purpose_. _Why_ was just the word; why didn't you tell any of us? Why the hell were you hiding it?Because she had been hiding it. She _had to have been hiding it._ There was no other way I wouldn't have known. None whatsoever. _And I still should have known_. I didn't care if this was a one time thing and she barely remembered it at all. I should have known, I should have known this about her before I'd brought it up. But I didn't. My earlier thoughts came back to haunt me, my musings of why Bella could never cut.

She had cut. She had. _And I hadn't known._

I'd failed her.


	4. The Truth

**A/N: **Okay guys, here's the next chapter. Also, feel free to tell me what you would like to happen in the story; I have a few plans, but I'm always open to suggestions. So... without farther ado! R&R :)

**Song for this chapter: I Am Not A Robot - Marina & The Diamonds**

**APOV**

"Edward." Oh, he was so far gone. I could see it in his face. And I was almost there. How could Bella have hidden something like this from us? How could she be _hiding_ something? We were supposed to be invincible. We were supposed to be God-freaking _vampires_ for crying out loud! No, there was _no way_ could she have hidden something like this from us. It just wasn't possible. For one thing, we would have smelled the blood. We would have, right? And Edward would know, Edward would just… know. So she couldn't still be doing it. That, at least, was a relief. It just wasn't possible. I relaxed visibly at the revelation.

Edward started the car after she hopped in, and soon we were maneuvering out of the school parking lot behind the line of cars. This was still so strange. To think we'd just been talking about it because of the girl at lunch, and now Bella had her own confession. It still didn't make sense, especially her sudden honesty. Why would she choose today to tell us?

"Why didn't you tell us before?" Edward asked, picking into my thoughts for questions as he sped along the road. There, that was the right route to go. Bella shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Look, it's really not a big deal. I don't know why you're getting so upset-"

"Bella? I asked you a question," Edward demanded.

She twisted again in her seat before letting out a loud sigh.

"You never asked me before, Edward." She replied.

"I didn't ask you this time."

"Yeah, but we were talking about it. I just figured you should know before you go bashing anyone who does that."

"_Does that?"_ Edward asked. "God, Bella, that's…" Edward sighed like he still couldn't believe they were having this conversation.

Bella opened her mouth as if she was about to continue, but quickly shut it as if deciding that was best.

"When did you…cut yourself?" Edward continued. He pronounced each word carefully, looking at her ever so slightly as he did so. I could tell that he was dying for her to correct him, for Bella to jerk her head back and laugh because we were so crazy to even think such a thing in the first place. I noticed Edwards' voice strain on the last word, as if he had to make himself say it. As if it was painful. Still there was silence, and I gathered that Bella wasn't going to talk about it in such a setting. I sighed back from my seat in the trunk, growing fidgety with all the tension. This was so unlike her.

"Alice, could you please give Bella and I a moment alone?" Edward asked through clenched teeth. I knew he was asking for me to leave, and I knew he didn't just mean for a moment. _Like hell I'm leaving right now, _I thought. Edward glared from his spot in the driver's seat.

"_Now, _Alice." He hissed, and I knew that was my final queue. I growled, but decided it wasn't worth the fight.

"Alice, before you go, I'm not going to hurt… anything, right?" Edward asked. _What?_ Now he was asking me to see if he would harm Bella in his anger. Shouldn't he _know_? Wouldn't he make it his mission to never put her in a dangerous situation with him, especially with her being his singer? And after all this talk about cutting, which involved blood…I guess I just hadn't realized how angry Edward was. _You guys really need to work on your trust issues_, I thought, and he growled.

"Edward, if you have to ask…" I said, responding to his earlier question. I heard him sigh impatiently as he considered, but after a second he nodded curtly, signaling that he was under control and I could go. I shot him my best _I'll be watching you_ glare, before proceeding to turn on my feet and jump out of the speeding truck. With one last glance behind me, I tore out of the woods towards home, leaving the wreckage that Bella had inadvertently created way, way behind me.

**BPOV**

Shit, I was screwed. I couldn't believe he was making it such a big deal. I mean, it had obviously been a big deal to me, but he wasn't supposed to treat it like that. I had been hoping against hope that when I finally did let Edward in on the secret, he wouldn't be concerned. It would just be one of those things I did in the past, something that didn't matter now that he and I were together. Obviously, that was not the case.

"So when did you cut?" Edward asked me, continuing off from our earlier conversation. As if words would just flow from my mouth now that we were alone. Really, did he truly think Alice had been the problem? If anything, Alice had been the peacekeeper. I instantly regretted choosing today to tell him the truth.

Edward stared at me in silence as he continue on the way to my house, and for once I didn't even ask him to keep his eyes on the road.

"Fine," he acknowledged, accepting my silence as rejection to his question. "You don't need to tell me about the beginning. Was it a one-time thing? Like the marijuana?'" Edward asked, and I had to hold in a laugh. A few weeks ago, I'd made the horrible mistake of telling him that I'd tried pot once at a stupid freshman party back in Phoenix. After a horrifying freak-out on his part, I'd had to assure him that I would never do drugs again and that I'd hated the whole experience anyway. Even though it had happened years ago, before we even met, he'd been mad at me for days. And when he finally had forgiven me, it didn't go without several warnings against drug abuse.

"No, it wasn't a one-time thing." I answered, then watched as his grip on the steering wheel tightened. There was a long pause as he digested the new information.

"When did you stop?" He asked suddenly.

I bit my lip before the words could come out. The tension in the truck had just spiked, and for once I wasn't sure if the truth was the best route to take. But Edward trusted me, so I owed it to him to be honest.

"It's not something you really quiet," I told him.

The car stopped.

"_What?"_ He practically screamed. Edward stared at me, eyes bulging as he reveled in this. He spun around in his seat to look at me, and I worked to remain perfectly composed under his stare. He pulled the car over from the street, seemingly not able to drive anymore. And then in one solid motion, he was out of the car, slamming the door so hard the hinges seemed like they were going to fall off. I stared after him in shock, a startled look on my face as I realized what my words had just caused. Alice had been right. _Definitely __not in control. _

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. This was so not going to be a fun night.

But before I could even think about what to do now, Edward was back, a livid expression on his face as he climbed back into his seat.

"Do you have _any_ _idea what-_" He stopped there, turning away from me once more with a clenched jaw. He looked like he would have been pacing if it were possible, but it was clearly not seeing as we were in my cramped little truck. I could hear him taking deep, steadying breaths. Or at least I hoped they were steadying, because that method wasn't really working for me right now.

"Bella." He glanced up at me, eyes wide. I started to cut him off, but he just shook his head in response. The steady beat of the drizzling rain was only adding to his fury, and I could see that if he didn't chill out soon, my truck was going to suffer some _serious_ damage, if only the truck…

"Edward, it's not what you think!" I rushed. "I was never addicted or anything, okay? I only did it when I was really upset back in Phoenix, and I've, like, god, could you just chill for one second? I've barely cut since I moved here." He flinched at the way I easily tossed around the word _cut_, like it was a topic of normal human conversation. Well, maybe it had been before I moved to Forks.

"Three times, okay? That's not that many. I swear that's all I've done since-"

"Since when Bella!" He shouted, and the windows seemed to shake due to his voice. "Since you first started? Since you _moved here_?" Edward interrupted, and I flinched visibly at his tone.

"I was going to say since you moved _back_," I squeaked out.

Another shocked expression crossed his face.

"Only at Jake's house," I promised. "It wasn't…you couldn't have known. I'm sorry. I was just stressed, and, with everything going on…" I couldn't tell if my words were helping or hurting. I fidgeted with my jacket some more and turned towards the window. Other cars sped past us, oblivious to the turmoil that was wreaking havoc inside my truck. That was why Alice hadn't seen any of it, of course. She couldn't see past the werewolves, and I had used her own vision against her. She would be furious with me for it, of course she would. With a long sigh, I looked to my left to face Edward and the mess I'd made.


	5. Won't Give Up

**Song for this chapter: The Latest and Greatest Blueberry Rubber band - SHeL**

**BPOV**

Crap he was mad. Crapcrapcrap he was _really_ mad. "Edward, I…" I started to say, but he ignored me. He leaned forward in his seat, placing his head in his hands as he did so. He was the picture of pain. I couldn't stand this.

"Listen to _me_ Bella, how could you not have told me something like this? We were supposed to be able to tell each other anything, and then this…" He shook his head, seeming to be in a daze still. "I just can't believe you…I mean honestly, _why_-"

He closed his eyes again, realizing that he wasn't going to be able to talk yet, I assumed. I hated this. I hated that I did that to him, but what he really, and Alice for that matter, didn't understand was the fact that I had gotten over it! I no longer felt the need to cut every time something horrible happened, and now I mostly only did it for the relief it brought on those really, really difficult days. Ugh. Alice was going to hate this of course, and by now she probably thought that I only went to Jake's house to cut. And that was completely untrue! Not once had I ever gone to Jake's house with that being my intention. While I was there, it just seemed to inviting, tempting even. Oh god, maybe I _did _just go to Jake's house to cut. Not that it had been my conscious intention to, but, well, things happened.

I could sympathize with the girl from lunch today. If anyone could understand her struggle, it was me. I didn't like it that she had problems that led to cutting to begin with, but I was sort of okay with the cutting in itself, since I did it too. All in all, I just didn't think cutting was that big of an issue. I mean, it was just blood.

_Blood_. Edward would hate it if he knew that I thought that way, and right now he seemed disgusted just by the idea of it. But he just didn't understand.

I was interrupted from my reverie by Edward, who seemed to have finally decided on something to say. He looked up at me with a tense gaze, and I was dreading what would come next. "You're not cutting," he said quickly, like that was that.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"I don't care why you started or how often you do it, but you're not cutting, Bella. Ever again."

He had not just ordered me what to do.

"I think you might have hurt your head when you _slammed_ the door, because I could have sworn you just _told me what to do_." Rage was taking over inside my brain, filling my body with waves of red.

I stared at him expectantly, but his firm look didn't budge.

"I did," he told me.

"But you can't."

"But I can."

"But-" He cut me off by placing two cool fingers over my mouth. He didn't believe that just telling me to be quiet would work this time, and he was more right than he knew. As always, our close proximity got to me, and I was sure he could hear my heartbeat stutter and then pick up. But right now, we were both too mad to pay much attention to it.

"Isabella, there will be no more discussion of this. You are not to _ever self-harm_ again, and that is final." He used my full name to indicate that he was serious, and the glare he gave me would have normally sent a shiver up my spine; it was icy and dangerous, and he looked like, like a…well, for lack of better word, a vampire.

I ignored his previous statement and cut (no pun intended) right to the chase. "Don't tell your family." I commanded after a moment. He looked at me skeptically, clearly not missing my not-so-subtle subject change.

"Of course I will, Bella. There are no secrets in our house. And if you're so hesitant not to stop, then if need be, the whole family will _make sure _you do." He gazed at me for a long time, daring me to object his statement. And of course, he probably knew I would. I could barely stand having Alice know, which, I realized with a groan, would probably definitely not help me in the long run. I could just picture her right now, telling the rest of her family my dirty little secret.

But that just wasn't fair.

First of all, it wasn't a secret. They just hadn't known about it until now. And for another thing-

"Bella?" Oh. Edward was waiting for a response, of course. One I definitely could not give him. I mean, I couldn't just go, 'No, sorry. I'm definitely not going to do what you say. And by the way, please don't tell your family.' That was a Will Never Happen in my book.

He paused for a moment, then sighed.

"Bella, love I understand if you don't really want to talk about it," he told me after a minute. "But, well…you're going to have to at some point, love. And…you know you can tell me anything. So please. Talk to me." His voice changed remarkably then, carrying an almost pleading, soft lilt. I could see it in his eyes, those topaz orbs of wonder, that he knew what my response would be. He had completely misread my silence as insecurity. But he knew. His last sentence proved just that- he knew that I wasn't going to tell him the truth, and I could see that it was killing him.

Edward and I, well, we needed to understand each other. But more importantly, we needed each other to understand. And right now I wasn't letting him in, even though he was asking me to. I was a horrible person. He should have never come back.

"Drive the car, Edward," was all I said. And that's when he lost it.


	6. The Distance

**Song For This Chapter: Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless**

**BPOV**

I saw his jaw clench as his hands almost broke the steering wheel, and then he was yelling at me like I had just killed the queen.

"_Bella do you really expect me to let this go? How come I never knew? We spend nearly every night together and every day, and you've never even given me a fraction of information that you were dealing with this! I could have helped you! How come you never _once_ told me what was going on?" _He was shaking, and I had this terrible feeling that if he had been human, he would have been crying by now.

"Bella this is a _part_ of you! And you never told me! You never…"

This was too much for me to bear. I moved forward in my seat to comfort him, and surprisingly he didn't push me away. He just let me hold him as his chest rocked against my own, and for once I didn't have a single thing to say on the matter. We were unprepared for this, I realized. Unprepared for secrets. Our relationship had had its ups and downs since it began (can you say a certain earth-shattering forest departure, anyone?) but in the long run they had only made us stronger. I wasn't so sure that that would be the case this time.

I looked down at my feet as the silence continued, and he eventually seemed to regain control of himself as he sat up and looked straight at me. I expected him to be angry again, even furious. I expected mean words and maybe even a little violence taken out on the car, but no, instead, he hugged me.

"Bella, you can't ever do anything like this again, do you hear me? I never want…I never want you to feel like you can't tell me anything, no matter how much you think I would disapprove," he whispered. His voice was remarkably calm despite the tense situation. I just nodded at him, still at a loss for words. I had never meant to hurt anyone.

"I think… I think we have a lot to talk about," I said.

"Then tell me." Edward insisted, and I smiled.

I would. I would tell him everything, only leaving out parts when necessary. I would tell him about Marlene and the group and everything in Phoenix, and he would finally hear the story he deserved to know. But I wouldn't promise to never cut again. Because despite his orders, I knew that I would cut again. It just wasn't something I had much control over. I didn't view it as any kind of addiction of sorts, but cutting… was just something I needed. And Edward wouldn't understand that. He couldn't.

"I don't know where to begin, Edward." I confided. "I mean, on the one hand you act like you really want to know, but on the other…" I trailed off, leaving him to think about it.

"On the other hand I just commanded you what to do without hearing you out," he guessed. Good guesser. I nodded, and he grimaced in response. "Bella, it's not that I don't want to hear what you have to say. I always want to, you know that. It's just; this is one of those cases where I can't exactly let you have your way." His gaze was beseeching as he stared at me, and I was only slightly aware that I was pretty much on top of him from our earlier hug-session. Our arms were the only parts of us that still really touched, him holding my hands, and I instantly wanted to end that simple contact. Because he couldn't, he just couldn't intrude like that, it wasn't fair. I sighed.

"You can't tell me what to do Edward, and you know _that_." I persisted quietly. He seemed to be expecting this, for he didn't show any outward signs of indignation.

"Bella, love, be serious, please. You just told me-" he started, with a slight twinkle to his eye. I knew that twinkle from a million miles away, and I could tell his strategy before his lips were even at my ear.

It didn't mean I could fight it

"-that you used to cut yourself. That you _do_ cut yourself," he shuddered. "I'm not okay with that," he murmured against my skin, and I could feel myself sinking to his will with each light kiss he trailed down my face.

"Edward…" He cut me off by moving his lips down to my own, and then quickly back up along my jaw. "You can't," I gasped, "tell me what…"

More kisses, and by now my head was spinning and my heartbeat out of control.

"_No_, Edward! Just stop, okay? Just stop it right now," I practically shouted, pulling myself away from him as I did so. Because there was no way he was going to get his way on this one, not when it was completely in my control. Yet I could tell that if he kept on going like he was, I wasn't going to last much longer…so no. I had to end it. I wasn't going to promise him something that I knew I couldn't keep.

I looked at him in disgust, shaking my head as I did so. That was a low blow, and he knew it.

I fixed my messed up hair as I scooted back to my seat, him scowling at me the entire time.

"Take me home," I muttered, and it seemed like he was finally going to oblige as he started the car, glowering the whole time. However, I was surprised when he began going in the opposite direction, back to…

"Edward Cullen that is _not_ the direction to my house! I swear if you-" He cut me off _again_.

"Bella, seeing as you're not the one driving, you don't exactly have very much control over where I do or do not go," he growled. I glared at him again.

"We're done talking," I stated, and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"The hell we are, princess…" he muttered, and then laughed bitterly to himself, a laugh that would send chills to the bone in normal conditions.

"Bella, just a minute ago you told me we had '_a lot to talk about_', and now you're telling me we're done talking? I don't think so," he stated.

I laughed, too. "You're specifically doing the opposite of what I asked you to do, Edward. If you're trying to win the award for World's Most Controlling Boyfriend, congratulations, because you're getting it." I snapped, and I could see his anger click back into place as we sped along the empty road.

"_Bella you can't be serious!_ You cut yourself! That's _sick_, Bella, and if _you_ think any differently then-" He was cut off abruptly by a loud honk coming from my right, and I saw his eyes widen as he comprehended what was about to happen.

A vampire was going to get into a car crash, and I would be on the receiving end of it all.

This day was just full of surprises.

**Expecting that? Didn't think so...REVIEW**


	7. Expectations

**Song For This Chapter: The Only Exception- Paramore (ending line, haha. hmmm...a little foreshadowing?) **

**BPOV**

Darkness engulfed me, and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't hear, either, but oh, could I still remember. Later, I'd find it a funny kind of ironic that these were my last memories. Funny because we'd just been talking about it. And ironic because it would inexorably bring me here again.

**A few days previous**

I sighed in frustration as I adjusted the sleeves of the new 'designer' hoodie that I really didn't like. The only reason I had even gotten it in the first place was because of Alice's insisting that Edward would love it on me...and the fact that she paid for it before I could say no. Ugh, Alice. She was going to kill me when I canceled our already re-scheduled swimsuit-shopping trip for today. Yesterday, I had tricked her into checking out the last minute winter sales instead, though I knew the Cullen's had a virtually unlimited supply of money. But like I had imagined she would, Alice just hadn't been able to resist a good sale…especially if it was designer. Still, I felt bad. Normally I would have…well, not _loved_ to go shopping with her, but would have been able to condone it, despite how much I hated shopping.

But they still hadn't healed, and there was no way I was going to chance her seeing me in anything less than long sleeves and jeans. Seeing or _seeing_, because I hadn't ruled out the possibility that she would resort to looking for visions of me once I was changed—she'd been mad enough yesterday when I insisted on getting my own dressing room. I don't think she'd take 'No, it looks good on me but you can't see it,' very well.

I groaned, I was getting so sick of hiding these things. But, it was the only way. Concealer had worked up until now, but now…now it was a struggle everyday just to remind myself that I couldn't tell them because of how much this would hurt them.

But I wanted to. I wanted to bad. And for Gods' sake, I missed the sun. I missed the feeling of the gratifying heat engulfing my pale skin as I walked outside in a tank top, even just to check the mail. And I could tell Edward was starting to get suspicious. After all, it was almost summer, the warmest time in Forks until August. Already people had been shedding their heavy layers for the cool relief of short sleeves, and I longed to be one of them. Last year I had been- what with the concealer and my natural ability to fall down easier than others, there had been hardly any reason not to. I had been healing. Renee thought I was better. _I _had thought I was better.

But this time around…

Things had gotten worse. Ever since the Cullen's left I had returned to my previous ways-I had managed to nearly double my cuts in the short time I had been Edward deprived. I wasn't doing it so much now, but the old scars didn't fade in a day. But I didn't feel like hiding it this summer. I didn't want to go through the routine of wake up, make sure Edward can't see, put on concealer—it just seemed like too much this time. Too much I didn't want to have to hide, and too much effort put into hiding it anyway.

Screw Edward being suspicious, I decided. If he really wanted to know, he could just pull back my sleeve while I was sleeping and-_ice_-that thought brought ice cold shivers up my spine. _What if he had already_…no, I told myself. If Edward had seen the scars on my wrist…or body in general, I guessed, then there was no way I could have not known about it by now. Edward always had something to say. Though if he hadn't seen them yet, then that meant there was still a possibility that he could- No. I had to stop telling myself things like that. At this rate, I was on my way back to buying a grotesque amount of concealer bottles in my spare time, and reapplying it three times a day in the school bathroom. I couldn't do that again, I just couldn't. It had been hard enough last year, and back then, Edward hadn't been nearly as protective of me as he was after finding out about Jake. If at all, he barely let me out of his sight for more than ten minutes now; there was no way I could get the proper alone time needed for the concealer route this summer.

I sighed yet again. Even after all this time, I still remembered what it was in the first place that had made me decide not to tell him—well, them, really. I just couldn't stand to put him in that kind of pain. And after that first moment, I knew it would cause him pain.

**September 5th- prior to New Moon. **

It had been a rather morose day weather wise, and I was in a fairly depressed mood back at the Cullen's' house. There'd been an ice storm for the first time that year, making me ache for Phoenix and the heat, the _brown_…of course thinking of Phoenix always brought back the memories of what life used to be- my daily schedule, friends, etc. And just like that, instantly I was craving a knife. But I knew I couldn't do anything of the sort here. Not only were they _vampires _on the blood front, Carlisle was a doctor and would surely think I needed to be institutionalized if he found out. Mental help at the least.

As if. So I settled on harassing the people I loved instead.

"Why are none of you friends with people at school? Even if they hate you, aren't you going to have to move again soon, anyway?" I questioned from my seat on their living room couch. Edward, who was beside me, stiffened at my careless words. He had one arm slung casually around me, and I felt it grow tense at my words. Touchy subject, eh?

I continued relentlessly on.

"I mean I guess I just don't understand why you try so hard to seclude yourselves. No matter what you're going to have to leave, right? Why bother with the fitting in stuff when you'll just have to pack up and go in the end?" I thought for a moment and then added, "Or, can you just not make friends?"

Rosalie, who had been sitting across from us with Emmett at her side, was the most offended at my words. "Well, I guess since you're only _human_ you wouldn't know much about this, but _some_ of us don't exactly like to hide for a century because your face is too recognizable," she spat, and beside me I saw Edward give her a warning glance. "What?" She questioned, "It's only the truth. If your little _pet_ can't seem to-"

"Rose." It was Carlisle's voice that interrupted her, and I looked up to see him descending down the staircase with Esme walking quietly behind him, caramel-colored hair parted directly at the center of her face. "Bella's only curious," Carlisle eased, and I felt my face instantly heat with all the scrutiny.

"So any question she has should be treated _nicely and calmly_." I saw Rosalie's face form into an angry pout, and then she was walking out the front door, Emmett trying to calm her as he followed.

There was a brief pause, and then Edward rolled his eyes.

"I'm sorry about my sister," Edward finally said, and I half expected her to flash him the bird with that kind of temper. But Rosalie merely walked out on us without a parting glance.

"She can be a little…defensive," he stated, and I heard quiet laughter approaching from the other side of the room. Really, didn't vampires have _anything better to do _than_ watch me embarrass myself?_

"That's one word for it," Alice chortled, "Or you could just call her a bitch." I saw Edward fight to contain a smile.

"Alice," Esme scolded from her stance at the bottom of the stairs, quickly swooping in to chastise her daughter. "Be kind to your sister."

"Oh I am, _mom_," Alice cracked, "Just seeing as she's not in the room right now," she trailed off, and I saw Esme frown. I decided it was my turn to step in.

"No, no. You guys are all right," I stated vaguely, hoping to avoid farther confrontation. "Rosalie's right, I shouldn't place judgment in issues that are not of my concern." I could see that Edward about to argue, so I carried on with my rambling before he got the chance. "I guess I'm still in shock that any of you could have lived this long like that. Well, more that _anyone_ could," I added, feeling my sinking hole of depression start to grow at the words. I was now past the mean stage I recognized so well, and left drowning carelessly in my own feelings of doubt.

"What do you mean, Bella?" Edward asked, a concerned look taking shape over his angelic features.

I sighed. "I mean, it's such a long time, isn't it?" I questioned, "Even 60 or 70 years…I just don't see how some people make it. So many peoples' lives are miserable and boring; you'd think that they'd all kill themselves before some stupid disease could," I finished, realizing that I had been thinking out loud again. I wasn't expecting much of a reaction from that statement, but all four vampires in the room froze, looking at me with shocked expressions on their faces, like they had never really seen me before.

Alice was the first one to speak, but her voice sounded a little unsteady as she did. "That's crazy, Bella. Most people have happy and successful lives. Just look at yourself, you're one of them, right?" She said, and I didn't see the test until it was too late.

I had frowned a little, considering this, and thought about her question for a moment too long. I had an overprotective vampire boyfriend that was determined to let me grow old while he remained immaculately perfect, a father that could barely take care of _himself_, and Renee…I shuddered off at the thought of that last one, I still had no idea what I was going to do about her calls. Ugh.

"Bella?" I heard from beside me, turning to see that Edward had recovered, yet with a terrified expression now on his perfect face.

"Wha-oh, you think…Alice, I'm not _suicidal_!" I laughed, finally understanding the worried looks on all of their faces. "Really, I'm not." It was just a thought," I promised, and laughed again.

Still, the concerned expressions on their faces didn't seem to change. If anything, they seemed a little wary.

"Alice!" Edward hissed, breaking the abrupt silence, and I realized it must have been about something she'd been thinking.

"It was only a _thought_, Edward," she replied, and I had a feeling that I was missing something big.

"What-" I started, but Edward was quick to shoot her a _shut-up_ glare and return his attention back to me with a dazzling smile.

"It was nothing, love," he promised. "Now, let's get you home before Charlie starts to worry." I heard Alice let out a whiny 'humph' at that, and surmised that the battle was still raging through their heads. What I wouldn't give to have his talent… With one final glance around the room, I saw that their once cheery expressions had still not returned to the Cullen's, despite my reassuring words.

Alice was the only one willing to plaster on a smile as she said, "Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, Bella!" I just nodded, because I was currently preoccupied with the probing gaze that Carlisle was giving me.

_Did he know_? I asked myself, robotically checking down to my wrists to make sure my sleeves hadn't ridden up- they hadn't. Of course not, I scolded myself. There was no way any of them could know my secret. I had done nothing but wear long sleeves and slather on concealer the second I had arrived in Forks, determined to keep a fresh start this time without everyone making assumptions based off my skin. There was no way he could know...

But remembering the terrified look Edward had gotten at the idea that I might be suicidal, I realized I had to keep it that way. Even if he found out, he wouldn't think of it the way that I did. He wouldn't see it as a way to release pain instead of cause it, a Heaven when all I could see was Hell…he just couldn't. It wasn't in his nature.

And that was the day that I promised; I'd never speak of cutting, as if I did not exist.


	8. Revealed

**A/N: **Okay you guys, you're really lucky I'm in a super writing mood, because otherwise I probably wouldn't be doing this… I have nothing to start with, surprisingly (usually I do a little bit of it earlier) so work with me here! xoxo.

**Song For this Chapter: Stay/Scars - Miley Cyrus (Yeah…listen to the lyrics, guys)**

**BPOV**

I woke to the sound of frantic breathing coming from directly above me- well, that and my vampire boyfriend practically screaming into my ear.

"Bella!" Edward gasped, and I stirred groggily from my- wait, what? Wasn't I supposed to be dead?

"Edward, what-" I began, but he cut me off.

"Bella, thank God, I just…Oh my God, Bella, don't you ever do that to me again," Edward breathed, and I noticed lazily that he was parked on the side of the road again. I let him hold me for another minute until he got a hold of himself, and then moved carefully away. I was still recovering from that fact that I was apparently not dead.

"What happened?" I asked when I could finally manage to speak in complete sentences. He looked at me quickly, like he was scared I wouldn't remember, but praying I would forget.

"We were…driving, Bella. I got-I'm so sorry," he said, an anguished expression crossing his whole face as he continued. "I…I lost control. I got angry. And there was a car…it almost hit us. It almost hit _you_," he choked out.

"Well-why didn't it? I mean I remember all of that, but it was too close, I thought…" I trailed off, and if anything he looked even more grief-stricken.

"I know, Bella, I know. I did too," he admitted, and I felt like I was getting a glimpse of the true Edward, the man I had so desperately fallen in love with. "_But it didn't happen._ It _didn't_. It was close though, Bella. So terribly close…" I looked back up at him, then, unable to stand the pained look on his face any longer.

"It's okay, Edward. It could have happened to anybody," I said, taking his hand in mine as I moved us farther away from the oncoming traffic.

"But that's just it, Bella! It's not supposed to happen to us! It's not, I just can't lose you. I can't-" he choked, and I realized he was probably more traumatized by this than I was. I also realized this wasn't only about my most recent near-death incident.

"Edward," I started, feeling the mood shift visibly to one of longing and sadness, the panic fading away with the setting sun. The rain had finally stopped, so I was in no hurry to get back into the car. Charlie's dinner would be a little late today, but he could handle it.

I wrapped my arms around Edward, and he gladly took my offer by pulling me into a strong embrace. "It's okay, nothing's going to happen. I'm here," I promised him, a light smile tugging at my lips.

"I love you," he said. I closed my eyes at his words, brimming with so many emotions. I didn't know how to respond, so I opted with the only way I knew.

"I love you too," I said, placing a light kiss on his lips.

"I know," he smiled, and for a second it looked as if things were finally going to be okay. And then…

"But why was I on the ground then? If the truck didn't get hit…"

"It didn't, Bella," he reassured me, "But when it looked like it would, I guess you just…shut down." He confessed.

I stared at him in shock. "I fainted?" I gaped, because that was just great. Just one more thing for Rosalie to mock me on- '_Oh, no, Bella didn't get hit in the car crash. She just fainted anyway,_ _I guess she wanted attention.' _Yeah, that would go over really well with the high school kids.

"Bella," Edward said, eyebrows furrowed as he thought about how best to phrase his next thoughts- "You were nearly in a car crash that could have cost you your life. I don't think it's that uncommon for a humans' body to shut off in that kind of circumstance." I pouted at him for reminding me of my oh-so-frail existence, and he laughed and took my hand again as he led us back to the truck. He seemed significantly more composed. "You want to drive?" He offered, and in all my life I never thought I'd hear him say the words.

"Edward!" I swatted at him, "First off, I'm the one who just passed out in the face of an oncoming crash. And _second_- I completely trust your driving skills. It's my fault I set you off in the first place," I stated, feeling the weight of my words fully sink in. Because it was my fault. It was always my fault.

I pulled away from him, not wanting him to read my face, but he grabbed my elbow and spun me around, studying me intensely.

"You can't be serious." He stated.

I just looked at him, and it seemed like he was about to laugh for a second. "You know, you have the worst self esteem I've ever known," he smiled, and then frowned. It looked like he was going to say more, but at that exact moment I saw a blur of motion that appeared at my side instantly, shielding me from my boyfriend. _Alice_.

"Edward Cullen what the hell _happened _back there! You almost crashed! You're a _vampire_ and you almost—and _Bella_! Do you have any idea what I would do to you if you _killed my best friend_?" Alice shrieked, and it was so loud that I thought the trees would start to fall down.

"_Alice_!" I cut in. "I'm fine. Look, no cuts, no bruises." I assured, but both she and Edward swiftly glanced up at me, giving me a final once over. And then…though the incensed look remained, a scheming glint crossed onto Alice's face, and I noticed Edward scowl at her.

"Alice, now's really not the time to-" he begun, but Alice was having none of that.

"Prove it," she told me.

"Prove what? That I'm not hurt? Please, you guys would be able to smell the blood! And I'd tell you if anything was wrong anyway…you know that. As for bruises, I barely…" I gasped then, comprehension dawning on my face.

"She just wanted to see if you had scars," Edward confirmed, glaring over at Alice. I stared openmouthed, but she merely shrugged in response. I realized instantly that she must have figured out about Jake's. She would have been looking for the talk Edward and would have the second she was kicked out, so none of my secrets were safe.

"You really had to do that, Alice," Edward grumbled, pulling me away from his sister as she looked at me with a smug expression. "I'm taking her back to Charlie's. Tell Carlisle I'll talk to him tonight about the- stuff…" he finished vaguely, and she laughed at that.

"Whatever, Edward. Just make sure Bella doesn't find any _new toys_. You know, she has lots of _sharp ones_ in the bathroom, so you better keep any eye on her because it's quite easy for kids to _hurt themselves_ nowadays. And she's obviously quite a kid because now that I _know about them_ I keep getting visions that indicate she just _can't stay away._" Alice glared at me, and I turned away at her biting words.

"_Alice_!" Edward hissed, and I crossed my arms and huffed at her as I climbed back into the passenger seat of my truck. There was no way Alice was having all of those visions. She was just guessing a straws, the same way I had been when I decided to tell Edward about all of this in the first place.

I was so done with their "secret code." Like I didn't know what they were talking about. Like I didn't know it was about me. Like I didn't want to cut so badly my fingers were practically digging into my flesh. Hah.

Tomorrow I was going to Jake's, I decided. And this time, it would be _purely_ about cutting. And also new for this time, there would be no asking Edward's permission first.

Because he would say no.

I looked away from him as he took his seat, squeezing my fingers lightly as he did so…was it my imagination, or did his fingers just slightly tickle my wrist, trailing up my hand farther than they usually did? Instead of facing him I stared down at my pants, willing my clothes to disappear so that he could just see me once and for all, no more hiding what was underneath. I hated this. I was so sick of it.

I thought about showing him—with one brief motion, I could pull my hand away from him and yank up my sleeve to reveal all of the parts of me I had been forced to hide. I waited as he started the car, thinking that Alice was close enough that I could just show them both at once, get it all over with. I thought about it, but I didn't do it.

As Edward turned the car on to start what would hopefully be the last part of our ride home, he muttered something for Alice that surely couldn't have been nice. Behind me, I heard Alice break a tree. Edward smiled, and right then I knew that at least for this battle, Edward was on my side.


	9. The End

**A/N: **Okay you guys, I'm actually really excited to start on the next chapter. Weird, because despite what you may think, they don't come out in three minutes and it takes a long time. Plus I don't feel comfortable writing when anyone's around, so I have to wait 'till really late to begin! (Why my chapters tend to come out at like 3 a.m.) But this next one's gonna be fun. So be patient with me, I'm sorry this one is sort of a filler as well…or is it?

**Song For This Chapter: My Medicine (Single Version) – The Pretty Reckless**

**BPOV**

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Edward didn't say one word about my revelation, and I didn't try to prompt him. I knew that he would speak when he was ready. For now, I just had to give it a rest and give him…_time_. We rode back in silence, and he didn't offer to come up to my room. I sighed. That was to be expected, of course. If he wouldn't talk to me, why would he be willing to just with a change of location?

It was late when we arrived back, and I could see that Charlie was in front of the TV watching the ball game. I gave Edward a quick peck goodbye as I exited, because it sure didn't look like he was willing to initiate anything of the sort, and I didn't want to leave him so…emotional. During that brief time I felt his hands lock around my arms, as if what he really wanted to do was keep me here for himself, forever. I sighed. I had to go in, it was nearly time for me to go to sleep anyway, and I really didn't want Charlie to worry. I opted out of the parting glance I knew Edward would have liked, and climbed down from my seat without a word of goodbye.

Now it was late. As in, _late_ late. 3:45 A.M, and I still hadn't been able to fall asleep. As soon as I'd come inside I'd fed Charlie some story about being super tired and nearly ran to my bedroom to confirm my suspicions, which was what was currently plaguing my thoughts.

They were gone. Every single _one_ of my razors were nonexistent from their carefully hidden locations. I didn't know how he'd been able to do it in such a short time, but I knew it was Edward's doing that had removed them this time. Ugh, _this_ time? _Why_ was I remembering Phoenix? I'd sworn to myself that that was behind me, and that I would never think of it again. And now…I sighed again.

_Beep, beep, beep. _My alarm. It was already six o'clock? Abso-freaking-lutely _perfect_. I was going to school today with no sleep, and no razors to take to Jake's after. I groaned as I stretched, dreading climbing out of bed. This day sucked, and it was only just beginning.

**EPOV**

I was horrified with what'd I'd had to do, but even more horrified by the fact that I'd had to do it in the first place. And that there was reason to. And that it was my _Bella_! I ran my hands through my hair as I jogged through the forest, eager to get away from the rambling thoughts of my family. I'd told Alice I'd talk to Carlisle, but I just couldn't tonight. Not with all of this useless chatter clogging up my mind.

I still hadn't allowed myself to really think about what she had revealed to me last night, afraid that if I did… well, I don't know what would happen, but that was _not_ a place I wanted to go. There were so many problems in my life, I realized, and then felt instantly guilty for thinking that way. Here I was, an immortal vampire, soulless demon that served to hunt in the night…and I was complaining about my _life._ I laughed without humor. I didn't deserve half of the good that was in my life, let alone my precious Bella…I groaned internally yet again. Lord it was so easy for my mood to change, maybe Bella was right, and I was bipolar.

I drifted back to my original thoughts after a few seconds, deciding it didn't matter anyway.

Alice hadn't told them, the rest of my family, and though I knew I'd be the one to end up doing it thanks to her _visions_, I still didn't want to. I'd practically begged Alice to, but _no_. She'd said it 'had to be me.'

I'd had so many thoughts running through my head since I'd left her house last night, not devoid of a bag full of razors and any other sharp objects I could find—I wasn't going to risk her getting desperate and running for a pair of scissors. I shuddered at the mere thought. Alice had even told me to check the _shoes_, make sure none of them were too pointy. _That_ was just _sick_.

I beneath it all, I still didn't know how serious this was. My reactions were instinct, coming out of me solely from the fact that I knew this had caused her pain in the past. But she wouldn't talk to me about it, so I saw no use in talking to her. I would try again today, when hopefully both of our heads felt a little clearer.

I sighed as I sensed the sunrise hastily approaching, and decided it was finally time to return back to Bella's to pick my angel up for the morning. This day was going to be Hell.

**EMPOV**

There was definitely something suspicious going on around here. For one thing, Alice hadn't talked to any of us for more than five minutes in almost six hours. Alice was always talking. Also, Edward never returned from Bella's house. Well, he did…but only for a minute; he was out as fast as he came, as if our thoughts were hurting him. I could tell that Rose was feeling it, too. She was even snappier than usual. God, that woman…I laughed. I was equally turned on and annoyed when she acted like this.

"Em I'm _bored_," she complained from her perch on _her_-she wouldn't let it be called _our_- bed. I'd been trying to kiss her just a minute ago, but _obviously_ that wasn't what she wanted right now.

"Well then why don't you-" I was about to tell her just _what_ she could be doing with that boredom, when we were interrupted by Jasper barging into the room, a concerned look on his face.

"Do you know what's wrong with Alice?" He asked, face tense.

"Don't you think we'd tell you if we knew?" Rose snapped, still irritated with the whole situation. I guess she could tell that Bella must be the source of their worry, since both Edward and Alice had been with her, and she was always a little bit…touchy…when it came to that girl. Oh, Bella. I wonder what she'd done now.

"Are you sure? Because I could feel her emotions, and Edward's for that matter…and they were, well, weird." Jasper admitted, looking like that should explain everything. Rosalie rolled her huge eyes, annoyed with Jasper's lack of explanation. I ignored her pout and directed my attention towards Jazz.

"What do you mean?" I asked, my interest piqued.

Jasper sighed and then continued. "They were…well, when Alice first walked in she was feeling…disgusted," he stated. Disgusted? Where did that come from? "And then when Edward got here," he continued, "He was…angry. Also disgusted, but more so angry, I think. Oh, and like, _sad_ or something? It was really weird. But whatever it is…" He glanced down the stairs, "She isn't telling me."

I gave him a sympathetic shrug, since I didn't really know what to do. Edward was the emotional guy here; I was more, well, _not._

"Just let me know if she says anything," Jazz finished, and Rose and I both nodded.

I was about to voice my questions out loud, like I usually did, but was interrupted by Rose's lips on mine the moment Jasper was out of the room. "Now…" she purred, a glint of something I couldn't quite understand in her eyes—annoyance? "Where were we?" she smiled, wrapping her hands around my neck.

And that was the end of conversation for that night.

**BPOV**

Without delaying any longer, I hopped out of bed and hurried to shower and put some clothes on. While the hot water ran over my face, I nearly forgot about everything that had happened yesterday, and all of the trouble I would surely have to put up with today. Almost.

But then, I was greeted with the conflict of putting on concealer or not putting on concealer- fearing that Edward or Alice might want to see my arms today, which I really didn't want to show them. Last night had been a mistake, I decided. What if they didn't stop there? What if Alice demanded to see my legs, or, or- I sighed and searched for the bottle in the bathroom. And It. Was. Not. There.

Really, people, did they think that I would be so desperate as to risk doing it in my own_ home_? _Of course_ not, I'd never be that stupid. Not after…I blinked back the unwanted memories, disliking the bitter aftertaste they left on my mood whenever I remembered. And now… now I had to go face Edward. I sighed as I exited my room, dreading the day ahead of me when I had nothing to console myself with. I wasn't addicted to cutting. I wasn't, I knew that, I _knew it. _But if that was the case, I had to ask myself, then why did I feel so empty without it?

**EPOV**

I was waiting outside for my goddess, paying little attention to my surroundings. But then, something did catch my eye…it was Chief Swan, who clearly was running late seeing as he was still here. He was talking on the phone with someone, but I must have just caught the end of it, for he quickly slammed down the phone after a brisk goodbye. He fidgeted for a moment, and then looked behind him, at the kitchen table. I squinted from the car, easily seeing through the dark blinds, to see him pick up a large bottle of…concealer? What was that doing there? And then, it hit me like a brick.

_'I had a past, Edward.'_ Of course. Of course her parents would know, though why Charlie had never thought about this before I was yet to understand. I doused into his thoughts, focusing my sole attention on him alone.

_'Hope she doesn't get mad… Can't believe Renee wouldn't tell me something like…Well, here goes nothing._' They were all little blurbs, hard to distinguish from the chaotic rumble of thoughts from those neighboring him.

I sighed in frustration. At least I could get a read of _anything_ from him, I comforted myself. At least he wasn't a complete mental mute, like Bella was.

_Bella_…I belatedly heard her footsteps upstairs, and knew exactly where she was thanks to spending so much time in her room. She continued her trek downstairs, and then stopped dead when I realized she must have seen what Charlie was holding. Well, this was going to be interesting.

**BPOV**

She didn't. She did _not_ break her promise. I would leave if she did. She _swore_ she wouldn't tell him. The second I left Phoenix, the second we got this arranged she swore she wouldn't tell him. She swore it. She promised me and if she broke her promise-

"Bella," Charlie greeted. I just stared at the bottle, arms folded over my chest, waiting for him to continue. He squirmed uncomfortably under my gaze, clearly not enjoying this much either.

I couldn't fucking believe it. He'd stolen my concealer. Like _that _would make this conversation easier, would make me know exactly what he was talking about.

He'd never asked about it before. Maybe he'd assumed it was to cover up freckles, or weird birth marks, or maybe just scars that I'd gotten throughout my accident-prone life.

Now, there was no guessing what he thought it was used for. And at the heart of his planning, I knew, was Renee.

"You um…she didn't want to tell me, but, see, she was _worried_, sweetie. She kept asking me these questions on the phone, about…" I glanced away from him, grasping exactly what he meant. I still couldn't believe she'd broken her promise.

I was uncontrollably fidgety, because this was a conversation that I'd never in my life expected to be having with Charlie. It wasn't just awkward, it was a moment that made me feel _sick_. It was not the kind of conversation I was supposed to be having at seven thirty in the morning the day after my vampire boyfriend found out the same thing.

"I'm fine, Charlie," I assured him, not even trying to meet his eyes. I was surprised I was able to form complete sentences. So we he, apparently, for Charlie looked shocked I'd even addressed what he was talking about.

"Let's not talk about it," I urged. "It's over now, okay? Forget she ever said anything. She was asking about the sleeves, right? Yeah. I'm only still wearing long sleeves because the old scars haven't faded yet," I lied. He looked like he wanted to object- please dear God let him not ask to see- but after a minute he simply nodded and locked back at the bottle.

"Well, I guess that's that, then," he stated, clearly relieved about avoiding a near confrontation. I sighed in relief as well. I couldn't even imagine talking to Charlie about my cutting—I still couldn't even comprehend the fact that he knew. At least we weren't going to talk about it any more than this. One hurdle avoided.

Or so I thought.

"She said she and that Phil guy would come visit soon, though," Charlie added, as if it was no big deal.

_Fuck. Just fuck it._

Charlie I could avoid. With Charlie I could get away with it. But Renee was impossible. I was dreaming. I had to be dreaming.

I put my head in my hands, not caring about the reaction this would probably bring out not only from my dad standing right across from me, but my vampire boyfriend who had surely just heard the whole thing from outside, too.

Because Renee was observant. Renee knew, she cared; she had been there for me the first time around.

And worst of all: Renee wouldn't buy my bullshit like Charlie did. If there was one thing my mother didn't do, it was beat around the bush. No, Renee would go straight for it, right to the point;

Renee would check.

And that meant that I was so.

Freaking.

Screwed.

**EPOV**

I was caught between amusement and frustration as I watched the conversation- amusement because Bella seemed absolutely mortified to be having this kind of level of depth in a conversation with Charlie- and frustration because she was blatantly lying to him the whole time. And when he mentioned Renee coming to visit…my love just crumpled, and it took all I had not to run to her and offer any comfort I could. _But you can't_, I reminded myself. This was something she'd have to sort out with Charlie, not me. How could she have hidden this from us for so long? And now it was crumbling all around her…

When I finally decided it was appropriate for me to enter, I pulled the keys out of the car just as my phone began to ring. I picked it up, waiting for the caller to speak before I answered.

"Edward?" I recognized Alice's voice instantly, and her tone made me go cold.

"What is it, Alice?" I asked gruffly.

"Volturi," was all she managed to choke out, and I went still. They were coming for her, for my Bella…I felt venom coat my mouth as I went into defensive mode, there was _no way_ I would let them hurt her. Not now…but, why were they were coming so soon? That just couldn't be right, I realized. I had read Aro's thoughts; I knew it would be at least a few years until he'd really begin to get curious about her…

"For who?" I said, surprised by the levelness of my voice.

"The girl, the one from lunch… Oh God Edward, I should have seen! I can't believe I _didn't_ see it, but I wasn't looking for anything like that! I didn't know anything like that even _existed_, hell…" She continued, trailing off at the end.

"What?" I managed to inquire her. Alice hesitated for half a second, but when she continued, I nearly wished she hadn't.

"She's half vampire, Edward. She's one of the immortal children…and half werewolf," she stated, as if this was the most normal thing in the world, as if it wasn't impossible. "And we've heard of her, Edward. She's not new. The transformation was recent, it changed her. Edward… Edward, it's Leah Clearwater." I was stunned into silence by her words. It wasn't possible. It wasn't possible. It wasn't...

"They think she's a risk. They're coming to kill her." She gulped, "And Bella…" she trailed.

"They'll kill Bella, too. If we're here," I whispered, gripping the phone like my life depended on it.

"If she's still human, yes," She replied. It wasn't a question- it was a statement. If Bella were human when they arrived, she would die. I would kill myself fighting for her. Carlisle would, too. And Esme, Alice…

"This changes everything," I confided.

"It does," she agreed.

It did.

**Props to anyone who guesses what's coming up with Bella, Leah, or Bella AND Leah!**

**** **_I'd like to point out that since Eclipse and Breaking Dawn never happened, Leah's character is subject to change as I see fit. She was an easy character to incorporate into both sides since she's belongs to the Quileute tribe, but please don't hold it over me if she comes out differently than she is in the books. This is, after all, fan fiction. And as for the vampire-werewolf thing, don't worry. All will be explained in the end...and if it's not explained, it's not the end :) _

**Share your ideas: REVIEW!**


	10. Pause For Breath

**A/N: **Did you know that on Word they don't except Volturi, but vulture is the top suggestion? Seems a little fishy to me…

**Song For This Chapter: Hands Of Time- Rachel Diggs**

**BPOV**

I felt it come over me in a wave, with no advance notice of the sort. One second I was just there, dying in the fact that Renee was coming to visit, and then I needed to cut. It was the natural reaction to a situation of stress, but one that, for the most part, at least, I had learned to control. I briefly recovered myself enough to exit the house with a slight goodbye to Charlie, and though it was awkward, at least I was out.

Outside, I was met with a very distressed looking Edward. As I took the last step down from the porch, I felt the need to cut hit in full intensity, as I knew would come. The intense, gnawing craving set in, and like a heroine addict that needed her fix, I became instantly unfocused. I needed to cut. I needed to freaking _cut_.

It was almost like a literal pain, and it was hard to fight the urge to run back inside and grab anything I could find—but I knew I would never get that far with Edward watching me. I felt my breathing become erratic- the normal symptom, for me at least.

And this should be perfectly natural. It had been a while since my last cut, and added on with all the stress I'd been feeing lately, it was enough to make me feel dizzy. Upon this realization, I gradually sunk down to the ground and closed my eyes, willing the spinning to stop and the ringing to cease its racket in my ears.

Like coming out of a trance, Edward was at my side in an instant, hands outstretched as if to take away whatever was hurting me.

He was careful with me, and I realized that he probably thought I was still just upset over Charlie's confrontation.

"Okay?" Edward asked gently, and I could barely detect a strained hint in his voice. _Desperation? _I urged my mind to come up with something logical to say in response to his inquiry, but it just wouldn't function. He knelt down next to me, onto the bare cement.

"I'm sorry this has become a pretty screwed up mess," he told me, and I laughed at his word choice. Though Edward would deny it for the rest of eternity, I knew some of the more modern vocabulary was getting mixed into his eloquent tongue.

He smiled, too, and in an instant I was in his arms as he loaded me into his shiny silver Volvo. The strain was still there, just as the urge to cut still hung around in my brain.

The heat upon entering his car only caused my shivers to become more palpable. _Damn that car._

I started to speak, but didn't get the chance to finish, as per usual.

"We have to go to my house, Bella," Edward said as he took his spot in the driver seat. My forehead wrinkled in confusion. We had school, and I _had_ to get to Jake's later.

An icy thought filled my brain. What if-

"It's not about you," Edward interjected, making me sigh in relief. But then upon farther thought, he added, "Though... though maybe that would be a good idea. Kill two birds with one stone, as you say." He flashed me that crooked smile, and from my dizzying vision I had the impulse to tell him that no, it was not a very good idea- even though my heart was soaring from that smile…

But I still hadn't recovered enough to speak, and he finally seemed to notice this, or, well, notice it _more._

"Bella, are you okay now, love? You seem very pale." Ha, I wanted to add. Good one, Edward—because it's not like I'm pale every single day of my life. Very funny.

Instead I just kept on with my near-hyperventilation, until finally I had mustered up the strength (and courage) needed to ask him what I really wanted to know. What was really preoccupying my thoughts. Clearly, my attention span was that of a squirrel's.

"Did you take away my razors? Or was that Charlie?" I breathed out. He gaped at my sudden question, clearly finding something hard to believe. After a moment he recovered himself, if just barely.

"You were _looking_ for them?" Edward spat at me, and this time I felt as if I fully deserved the venom in his voice.

I should have waited for Jake's, I truly should have. I had a few spare hidden around his house where Billy wouldn't find them, and I knew that I'd be going today. So really, why had it seemed so important to make sure I had them last night? I hung my head at his words, and he let out a long breath before turning on some Debussy and heading in the direction of his house.

Despite the circumstance, the drive was lovely. Over time I'd grown accustomed to the never changing greenery that was Forks, and how the barely-there sun made everything sparkle, including Edward's skin. Neither of us felt the need to say much, and though it was spent mostly in silence, save for the occasional 'You ate something, right?' or 'How did you sleep?' (Horribly, but of course I didn't tell _him _that) it was nice to be in the company of somebody I loved, who at least _said _that he loved me back. I still wasn't quite ready to believe him, though I'd told him countless times before that I did. It just…not after last time. I wouldn't open up so fast, I _couldn't_. We'd said we loved each other and he'd left me. After those dark months of his absence, it was like his words had lost some of his value. I still couldn't trust him.

We arrived at his house five minutes before school would have been starting, and I looked at him curiously yet again, for he still hadn't explained to me the reason for us being here instead of school.

I was proud that I had mostly recovered, or at least controlled myself enough that I was no longer shaky- though the need to cut still burned in the back of my brain. _Stupid Cullen's_, I thought. It hadn't been like this until I'd _told_ Edward, God I still couldn't believe I could have done that! And it had only been yesterday? Unbelievable. I stopped cold in my tracks as I realized what I was coming up against: Alice.

Alice would have told the rest of his family, as was his request. She definitely would have, right? And Carlisle was a friggen' _doctor_! I'd be in therapy in no time if he could help it, and he'd probably assign someone to 'watch me' so I couldn't… Crap. Just crap. I'd had enough of doctors to last me a lifetime back in Phoen-

I stopped short in my thoughts. Why was I thinking about that again? I couldn't. I wasn't supposed to. I groaned.

I was interrupted from my thoughts again by Edward, who had apparently been trying to get my attention for a while now judging from the look on his face. He rolled his eyes at my feigned innocence, then helped me out of the car before he led me up the steps to his house.

"I told you before, this really isn't about you." Edward said. He spoke slowly, glancing at me every so often as we walked up the long driveway. "I mean, that's not promising that it won't be, um, later. But this time," he sighed, "we have bigger problems to worry about."

I stared at him in shock. Why the hell was he telling me this _now?_

"The uh, The Volturi are on there way, Bella." I gaped at him. "Not for you!" He quickly cut in, "But...but while there here," he breathed, and it clicked into place for me instantly.

"They might as well kill two birds with one stone," I whispered, throwing his earlier line back at him. He pulled me in for a hug then, and though I was starting to shake- for who knows what reason, this time- I heard him whisper my safety.

"I won't let anything happen to you. You know that. I love you, Bella, and I'd die for you my love." I breathed in the sweet smell of his skin, mentally preparing myself for the long day ahead.

From behind me, I heard the low grumbling of something that brought an instant smile to my face.

"And apparently, others would as well," Edward deadpanned. With that said, I stepped back from his embrace and looked into the eyes of a large, russet colored wolf, also known as my former best friend, Jacob Black.


	11. Here We Go Again

**Song For This Chapter: I'm Not Over – Carolina Liar**

**BPOV**

"Jake!" I gasped, throwing my arms around the big russet colored wolf. His eyes looked up at me, and I had to believe that he could understand me.

"I called him," Alice's voice came from my right, and I saw her standing next to me as I gazed at my wolf. And he was _my_ wolf, in a way. I'd always thought of him like that.

"I assume Edward briefed you," Alice continued, not even pausing to explain when I shook my head no. "They made a deal with Carlisle, last time around, of course, so that he had to inform them if we knew another vampire was coming to Forks. Sam wasn't happy, but he insisted they get involved regardless. Though why he decided that _I still don't understand_," Alice growled, directing her attention towards Jacob. "So, we're working together."

"It's not quite like that, Alice," Carlisle stepped in, appearing out of nowhere. His blonde hair shone brightly in the light coming through the clouds.

"The wolves would want to be involved, no matter the situation. We can't forget that it's their land, too." He said, I assumed for Jacob's benefit.

"And they'd give us…numbers," Carlisle finished, "In case the Volturi aren't willing to compromise."

It hit me then like a ton of bricks.

The pack was offering to fight for me. And it would kill them. Each and every one of them would be slaughtered if I kept my life. No, _no—_I couldn't let this happen! I stood away from Jake's messy fur and locked eyes with Edward, who didn't seem too pleased with my recent outburst.

I swallowed loudly at the same time Esme flitted in front of me, patting my shoulder as she did so. "We'll handle it, Bella. You don't need to worry about anything."

It was the biggest lie of the day.

I shuddered involuntarily as I recalled the pain that little girl had put Edward in, returning to the sanctuary of his arms.

"You can't!" I suddenly exclaimed. They just didn't have enough power to win. The Volturi were unstoppable, and it was a fight they couldn't pick. "You can't face them, not all of you. That's a suicide mission. It's stupid. Edward, you have to-"

"There's nothing left to decide, Bella," he told me, and I crumpled.

"No, no way," I said. "Let them come, let them get me! It's better than all of you being murdered because I was stupid enough to get on their bad list!" I shouted, and I felt Edward's grip tighten on my arm.

It wasn't fair for the ones I loved to fight for me, it just wasn't. I could fight for them, but they…never. _No._

"This isn't something we're debating, Bella," Edward murmured, and I felt my world drop just a tiny bit. My breathing was coming in big gasps, and the sky seemed to sway above me. Not them, not them…out of the corner of my eye I noticed a wolf run into the trees, but I couldn't let him go, not like this!

I pulled out of Edward's grip, and surprisingly he let me go.

I ran forward, because Jacob was not leaving just like that. I'd barely talked to him since Edward had returned, and there was still so much we needed to sort out.

I increased my pace, and suddenly the ground was rushing up before me, and I was sure I would hit it any second; I braced myself for the pain, invited it even…but it never came.

"Bella," I heard him laugh, and I knew who had been the one to catch me before I even looked into those dark brown eyes. He was clad only in the denim cutoffs that marked the wolves, and I leaned into his chest as he rubbed my back calmingly.

"I thought," I mumbled incoherently, "Well, normal people don't just run off into trees all the time!" I told him, and he laughed again.

"Well did you ever think that's because I'm _not _normal_? _I had to phase back Bella, sheesh. Don't go all cry baby on me now," he teased, and I pouted at him.

_This is so weird,_ I realized suddenly. Jacob on Cullen territory. Wolves on vampire land. Jacob rubbing my back while Edward was 10 feet away... I quickly backed up, much to Jake's disappointment. I wondered if Edward minded—I chanced a glance at him behind me, where his eyes were boring holes into the back of my neck. Okay, so he _definitely _minded…

"We were just going to work out a…schedule of sorts," Carlisle interrupted, bringing my attention back to my adopted family. Everyone was outside now, though some—in Rosalie's case, at least, looked a little disinclined to be there. Now that my vision wasn't all blurred, I could see two other wolves flanking the area, not having phased back yet. I was pretty sure I recognized the black one from that day in the meadow—it seemed the most familiar…

"Sam and Quil," Jacob told me.

"Wow, okay. So the black one's…."

"Yup," he confirmed, before looking back up to Carlisle. But I hadn't even gotten to say _Sam_! It was so unfair how he did that, how he just _knew._

"Well what should I-" Edward cut me off; he seemed to love to do that too.

"You don't need to worry about anything, Bella," he instructed, "We're just going to sort out a few watch details and map out some timings. You should probably go inside anyway, it's about to rain." I glared at him. _Right, me…not worry. _Good luck with that one, Edward. Good freaking luck.

"Come on, Bella!" Alice insisted. She had this terrible leer on her face that made me immediately want to run back to Edward for cover. "I've already seen everything and told Carlisle, so we're going to have a girl's day!"

I groaned. I could already see the nail polish and curlers. But really, how could I even think about doing that when so much was going on? It just wasn't possible.

"One way or the other…" Alice trailed off, earning her a deep growl from Jacob. He didn't like me being threatened, not even if it was from someone practically half my size. She glared at him in response.

"Fine," I surrendered, slowly walking back up towards the Cullen's front door. She smirked, and I gave a long look towards Edward. He was going to pay for this later.

The second I was inside Alice practically slammed the door, leading me to the couch to sit. I groaned at her, and she froze.

"Don't even, Bella. I'm pissed as it is and you are not helping."

"Let's just get this day over with," I surrendered, to which she grinned.

"Pink or red?" She asked, holding up two bottles of expensive-looking nail polish.

"Excuse me?" I questioned—she was actually letting me choose?

"You're right. I think you'd definitely do better with the red. Now, for your hair…"

It was a very, very long day. Mostly it consisted of me trying to get information out of Alice about the Volturi's imminent arrival, her trying to get information about my history with cutting, and both of us avoiding the questions. She'd ordered me food ahead of time, so that wasn't a problem. I was more worried about the fact that no one had come inside for three hours. _What could be taking so long if it wasn't something I needed to worry about?_ Edward was such a liar.

Finally, finally the Cullen's came back in. It was already getting late; Alice had occupied most of my day by curling, straightening, and then messing up my hair so she could do it all over again. Somehow she found that fun—I, however, found that painful.

Edward looked at me for a moment as he walked in before running his hands through his tousled bronze hair and motioning for me to join him. I bounced over to meet him, glad that he had finally returned. I grinned, and he immediately put his arm around me, pulling me close while he inhaled my scent.

"Hey," I whispered, loving the stillness that approached whenever he was around. "Are you guys done? Is there anything I can-"

"Yes and no," he responded quickly, laughing at my sour expression.

We stood for another minute in the Cullen's family room, which really consisted of the entire first floor, before Edward sunk down on the piano stool and pulled me down with him. I knew it was more of a courtesy- vampires never got tired of standing- but it was nicer to pretend that he was just tired. I was always holding him up, the stupid human. I hated being human. I hated feeling so weak, not being able to fight my own battles. It was just unfair. Completely unfair.

The others filed in around us, Emmett taking up practically the entity of the big white couch. Rosalie took her spot on the edge, her slender, long legs standing firm on the ground. She was obviously still feeling put of by the whole situation, but I didn't blame her, not at all. Who was I to her, besides someone who brought constant danger into her second chance at life? I sighed. I had no idea how any of them put up with me.

Carlisle and Esme came in talking heatedly and remained standing, heading to the opposite side of the giant room to continue their discussion. Jasper took up matching loveseat, where Alice danced over to join him. I had no idea how anyone could remain graceful while sinking into an armchair, but of course they both did. The plush white leather seemed to cling to their very being, as if welcoming home a long lost friend after many years of separation. Their movement made no sound, and if I hadn't just seen Alice flit to the sofa, I probably would have thought she'd been seated there all along.

I did not, however, miss Alice's continuous glare.

The others started up with whatever they'd been doing before I came, I assumed; Emmett turned the TV onto some show involving monkeys and a parachute, while Alice and Jasper looked to be starting up a game of chess. Emmett grinned at the plasma screen, clearly enjoying the stupidity it was showing. After a moment Rosalie sighed and smacked him in the stomach, grabbing the remote before he could react. I had to control a laugh at that- poor Emmett looked like he had no idea what hit him when she turned it to a fashion show. Edward and I were still yet to speak.

The silence was beginning to feel awkward, at least to me. Edward seemed perfectly content with just his own thoughts.

"What's next on the agenda?" I questioned him; he seemed startled by the sound of my voice, as if he wasn't expecting me to speak so soon. Well, what did he _think _I was going to do? Sit here all day wondering what _he _was thinking about?

"Well, Bella," he smiled, reaching out to hold both of my wrists with his hands, "I did say two birds with one stone…" I froze, wide-eyed. He laughed at my expression, the stupid vampire.

"Relax," he ordered, still smiling. "I figured you might have had enough for one day."

"You're a monster," I remarked, and his grin widened.

"At least I'm your monster." I rolled my eyes at his childishness.

He was suddenly serious again, all trace of amusement gone.

"I meant what I said earlier, you know. You don't need to worry about any of this. They aren't coming right away, but when they do, we'll be ready. We'll take care of it, and you'll be safe. So please don't waste your time dwelling on things you don't need to,' Edward begged.

I was about to cut him off, but he sent me a glare that had me shutting up rather quickly. "Did I mention you should save your breath, too?" He questioned, pulling me into his chest.

"I thought you always wanted to know what I was thinking," I quipped, making him frown.

"I do. Always. But…well, I'm pretty sure I'd know what you were thinking in this case," he amended.

"I'm pretty sure you _always_ think right about what you think I'm thinking," I mumbled, then twisted my head at him when the convoluted sentence left my mouth. "Did you understand any of that?" I asked, to which he laughed.

"Yes," was his simple reply. Huh.

"You're just trying to distract me," I accused, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Of course I am. But it doesn't seem to be working too well," he replied, running his hands through my hair. My breath stuttered.

"Maybe now it is," I allowed, just as he bent down to press a soft kiss on my throat. I blushed, because we were still in a room full of his family, but none of them seemed to be paying us too much attention. Well, besides Rosalie, who made a gagging noise from her spot on the couch. I took no note of her criticism, however; I could spend eternity having Edward kiss me and still die happy.

"Stop looking so self-satisfied," I grumbled when he pulled away, hating my hormonal teenage reactions. Well, it probably wasn't a teenage thing, my subconscious supplied. I couldn't see it fading in the next five years, let alone twenty; he just did this to me. Always.

Edward chuckled to himself, pulling my face up to his view with his index finger. "I'm sorry, is that what I was doing? I thought I was kissing the love of my life," he replied, making me blush harder as I took a move from Rosalie and playfully slapped his chest. Or, at least I thought it was playful.

"Ow!" I exclaimed, pulling my hand away just as Emmett's booming laugh filled the room. I turned around to see him grinning at me, and I could see Edward fighting a smile as well. "That hurt!" I accused, to which Edward nodded, as if it should be obvious.

"Don't slap vampires," Emmett suggested, causing me to glare at him. Edward rolled his eyes at his brother, but I swear I saw his lips twitch.

"We better go, Bella," he stated, looking out the window briefly. "It's getting late, and if you ever want Charlie to forgive me again then you should head home."

"Charlie!" I gasped, I had completely forgotten about him in the rush of things. What if he got home early and had no idea where I was and-

"Relax, Bella," Alice giggled, though there was still a fine edge to it. She must still not be over the fact that I had only cut at Jake's—I needed to explain to her that I hadn't been playing with the blind spots in her vision. She must be feeling terribly betrayed.

"I called him," she went on, "He thinks you and I were just hanging out for the afternoon. He's not _worried_ or anything, not like _Renee_ would be, right? All _he's_ thinking is that we watched movies and ordered a pizza. And I know you're _really_ great at it, but don't blow it," she spat. The rest of the Cullen's seemed shocked by her behavior, so I sucked in my anger as I quickly grabbed Edward's arm and tossed back something like 'I'll try not to!' before hurriedly walking out, vampire boyfriend in-tow.


	12. Love The Way You Lie

**A/N: **I'm starting to focus more on Bella's POV, but I'll still return to others occasionally. Tell me any you prefer, and I'll write it. As always, xoxo, and REVIEW!

**BPOV **

We sat close on my small bed, Charlie finally having decided it seemed an acceptable hour to retreat to his room. After all this time, he still thought I was going to sneak out, still thought I was going to be the bad American teenager. I couldn't believe it.

Our nightly interaction, for that's what it really was, had passed with little incident. I was surprised that Charlie didn't make one move to bring up what we'd talked about that morning. I guessed that for now at least, he really was going to take my word that I wasn't cutting. I felt awful for lying to him, but there wasn't really another choice. He had also completely bought, to my dismay, Alice's story about my afternoon. I was half surprised that the school hadn't called, but of course Edward would take care of everything. He always did.

I was brought back to my own head by the feeling of cold hands touching my side, making a slight chill run through my body. It was a nice chill, nonetheless...

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked, tilting my head back with one hand to look at him.

"You," I replied; shouldn't it be obvious? I was always thinking about Edward.

"Oh? Should I be worried?" he asked cautiously, to which I just smiled.

"You're always worried, Edward. I don't think that-" I yawned involuntarily, making him chuckle slightly as he caressed my back.

"You should get ready for bed," he murmured to me, and I simply yawned again as if in agreement. He laughed. "Believe me, we'll have plenty of time to discuss whether or not I worry too much _after_ you get some sleep."

I continued to gaze at him, then my pillows, then him again...both choices seemed impressively inviting. Edward sighed. "Go on now, I'll still be here when you return…" he trailed off, making both of us flinch. Unwelcome memories flooded my mind, so I quickly hurried out of the room to change rather than have him suffer at the sight of my face.

Those days... I shivered. I'd been nothing back then, absolutely nothing. I was surprised I'd even been allowed to attend school—but my grades, surprisingly enough, had never been better than in those long months. I'd eaten up my schoolwork like food, practically begging for the distraction. I'd needed it. And for some reason, some stupid, senseless reason, I sort of still did.

My chest was whole, of course...but there was something much darker. Edward's absence had been the black abyss created by lack of love, whereas his presence created illuminating light. What I was feeling now had nothing to do with either; it was easy to distinguish, from all the health books Renee had made me read: Addiction.

Could I really be addicted to cutting? I scoffed at the bathroom wallpaper. It didn't seem like it, but I was acutely aware that my symptoms were key roots. It was definitely a possibility…

I rested my head on the wall behind me, closing my eyes for a second. It was crazy to think how things had spun so out of control so fast. But then again, things never went very smoothly where my cutting was involved.

No, I finally decided. I wasn't addicted to cutting. I had beaten that influence and would continue to do it only with an as-needed basis. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night; I was probably coming down with something, that was the only reason I felt so bad. _Edward would just love that_, I mused. I hadn't ever been _fully_ sick since the time I'd first met him. I wondered how freaked out he would be if I caught a cold.

I giggled. He was so overprotective, my adoring, handsome, lovely boyfriend...

As if on cue, I heard a slight creak and a faint, "Bella?" being called out. Charlie must be deep asleep, or else I'd just been in the bathroom way too long and Edward was risking it. Nevertheless, I muffled out a quite _hmm!_ in case he was worried. I was pretty sure he was, since a second later a barely audible sigh came from my room.

Overprotective boyfriends. What did you do with them?

I quickly slipped off my shirt, tugging off my jeans as well. The shower felt warm on my freezing skin as I hopped in, the jets creating a soothing pressure against my back. I relaxed instantly to the smell of my shampoo, the familiarity washing away all of my previous worries. I'd used this same kind since I was a kid, ever since Renee had insisted it made my hair smell really good, like strawberries. I smiled. Mom...

After a few more minutes of just standing underneath the pouring stream of water, I knew I had to get out. Life had to go on. Life would go on no matter if I got out of the shower or if I did not. Life always went on.

I did not dare look at myself in the mirror until I was fully clothed in the recently purchased blue long sleeves and my usual holy pajama pants. I couldn't stand the scars when I was like this—_sane._

I needed it, sure. I wasn't addicted or anything, it was just sort of a part of me now. I could stop whenever I wanted; I just didn't want to yet.

And the truth was, the scars still scared me. They fascinated me, sure, but they weren't anything I would love to stare at. And if I wasn't going to do anything, then there was no point in checking, really. Except maybe to creep me out; if it was possible, I still hated blood.

I quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth, chills coming back when the cold water hit. Dear God I wanted to _cut_...I groaned internally before swiping on some chap stick and hurrying back to my room. I hoped my eyes didn't look as empty as I felt.

"Hey," Edward murmured, wrapping me into a big embrace practically the second I walked through the door. "I missed you…" He trailed off, skimming his nose along my neck. I laughed, despite the feelings churning inside me.

"You just saw me practically five seconds ago," I protested.

"Did I, now, Ms. Swan?" He teased, wrapping his arms back around mine.

"Because _technically_ I think it was more like an hour." He squeezed my shoulder, smiling, but he still looked completely serious- had it really been a whole hour? Usually I was fast- 20 minutes, give or take.

"Hey, you know I haven't had a chance to work up to that vampire sense of time... Or balance," I laughed, as I had nearly tripped over my own two feet on my way back over to the bed. Edward caught me- of course- with a stern expression crossing his face.

"Teenagers," he scolded, sounding every bit the part of an angry old man. I was shocked for exactly half a second, and then we both burst out laughing, trying to keep it quite so as not to wake Charlie. Teenagers, for sure...

"Thank you," I beamed at him; he raised one eyebrow at my comment. I laughed nervously before continuing.

"You make me feel...young," I scrambled, trying to locate a good enough word to use for the way he had made me feel. Like everything bad was going away, like I could live forever with him. Okay, really just that I was _young_. Sometimes I felt so old, like I was already matured and expired, like life had hit me too hard and too fast.

"Bella, you _are _young," he stated, looking directly into my eyes.

"That is so not true!" I protested defiantly. "Yesterday Charlie told me he saw a gray hair, and the day before that-" Edward cut me off by placing one cool finger over my full lips.

"Let me assure you..." he smirked, "That you are most definitely _not_ producing any gray hairs," he ran his lips along my hair, "Or will anytime soon. Charlie was just joking around. Not that I won't still think you're the most exquisite creature in existence when the time comes," he added quickly, and I glared at him—we both knew I wasn't going anywhere _near _gray if I had anything to do with it.

"But honestly, Bella," he begun, "You really are the most gorgeous, beautiful-" he trailed kisses up my jaw line, making me shiver, "-flawless creature to walk the earth. One day I'm _going_ to make you see that..." I rolled my eyes at his words, but inside I was flying.

Even if there was the slightest chance that Edward meant what he said, I would be happy. All I wanted was him. All I ever wanted...

_Well, him and a knife for me to really be happy._

Ugh, that was disgusting. I shook off the unwelcome thought, but as always, Edward seemed to know what I was thinking. Or maybe we were just always thinking similar things…

"And I love you," he finished. "Not just for your beauty or kindness or being as close to an angel as anyone has a right to be..." He took a deep breath, "But because I love _you_, Bella, the person that you are." He held me tight to his chest, almost painfully so—but it was never painful, being with Edward. The possibility was nearly too ridiculous to comprehend.

"Which is why," he added, lowering his grip on my arms, "...we need to talk about this."

_Damn._


	13. Rain It Down

**A/N: **Part 2 of 5 from my Week of Writing. By the way, the song for these chapters is mainly 'Cute without the 'e'' by Taking Back Sunday. The title seems to oddly fit, don't you think? Please review, you know I love it...xoxo.

I gawked at him. He really knew how to change the mood. Shit. Guess my day of rest was suddenly up.

I remained silent, hurt that he was breaking his promise so early. Well, maybe he had only meant he wouldn't tell his family about it today. And maybe I was silent only because this way it seemed more like a nightmare and less like my reality.

Edward was leading me back towards the bed, where he gently picked me up and set me down next to him on the edge. I glared at the floorboards; I usually hated it when he picked me up—it was so unnecessary.

"Bella," he started, since I didn't appear to be speaking. He took a deep breath, still not looking at me.

"Can I at least ask you a few questions?" He groaned, but I kept my silence.

He sighed. "I figured as much," he said regretfully. "But if you're not going to talk to me, you're going to have to talk to _somebody_." I flinched at his implied threat. That was a low blow and he knew it.

"Edward," I said, wincing as I fell back into my pillows, "_Please_ don't say things like that. Like seriously, you have no idea what you're talking about. Therapy is a joke, and I definitely don't need it, so-" I shut up abruptly, aware that I'd said more than I'd been planning to. Friggin' vampire knew exactly how to get me going.

He plopped down next to me, and despite his smug expression, I could easily see the pain in his eyes.

"Then talk to me, Bella," he pleaded. I felt my resolve waver slightly at his tone and at his expression, but it wouldn't be so easy to break me. Not after I'd had experience with breakers, with people who only wanted to make you squeal; therapists whose sole jobs were to make you surrender...

"Talk to me," he tried again, twisting his body to bury his face in my hair. Well therapists definitely didn't do _that_…

"Please," Edward murmured, shifting again to barely outline my lips with his own. We were incredibly close; it felt like torture to not just give in to him. "Honestly, I'm already feeling incredibly guilty for using your hormones as a deadweight...can't you talk to me for only a minute to ease my mind? Is it really that bad?"

The little sneak. Well, at least his voice was worried now, though really it shouldn't be. Bad? A little bit...but personal? Hell to the yes—he just couldn't understand.

"Can we please just not talk about it right now?" I begged, pulling back from his gaze. "I told you before that it's not a big deal-" I could see him start to interrupt me, so I held up one hand for silence, "And you seriously should just, like, forget you ever heard anything, okay?" He didn't seem nearly convinced. "Really," I pleaded, "forget it."

He snorted at me as if I'd said something funny. "Where you get your ideas of what is or is not a big deal is seriously messed up," he stated. I was offended. "And I'm absolutely _not_ going to leave it alone, it's preposterous for you to even think..." he trailed off, breathing lightly into my hair, "No, Bella. I'm sorry, but you got yourself into this mess. I'll stop when _you do_," he smirked.

Oh, smart are we? "Fine," I stated flatly. I glared at him, shifting my position so that he no longer rested so close beside me, and swiftly- albeit not very gracefully- turned onto my side. I had absolutely no hope that I could ignore his presence for long. His scent was practically intoxicating alone, but hey, I could try.

"_Sweet dreams_," I muttered, my voice dripping with sarcasm. I was pissed; that comment had gone too far. He groaned, and from my peripheral vision I sensed him sit back up.

In a flash he had me upright, facing his stone cold chest. I blinked in surprise, not even having felt the blankets being removed.

"I'm sorry," he murmured slowly, "I never meant to upset you. I'm just worried...and, well, you scared me a little, Bella. That's kind of a big thing to just throw on a guy. You know how much you mean to me."

Despite the situation, I returned his embrace, though I wasn't anywhere near apologizing mode. I half laughed at his confession, half sighed. "What's with the mood swings," I huffed, "Bipolar?" It was an ongoing joke of ours, but it was true. It was so hard to tell these days, anyway. I didn't know whether to be mad or happy or uncaring about the sudden switch, but Edward seemed to be completely apologetic, now.

"Hmm?" I pressed, laying my cheek against his ice-cold face. His scent was practically destroying my resistance; I could feel my anger melt away in a heartbeat.

"Never go to bed angry," he whispered into my lips, and from underneath his own, I smiled.


	14. Just A Dream

**A/N:** Enjoy my loves. And please do review, it makes me incredibly happy...xoxo. Thank you.

That night, as I slept, I had a nightmare. It was typical for me—or at least, it had been, before Edward had returned.

This one, however, was different. It started out the same as always, me in an unsettling green forest, surrounded by the murmuring voices of Edward. _The last time you'll ever see me… for Charlie's sake...I don't want you to come._ His words haunted me to this day, bringing back every repressed memory my brain could hide.

I screamed out in the darkness, begging for help, and that's when it changed. Instead of the taunting voices or Victoria's usual appearance, a new figure stepped out of the darkness. _Jake._

"Jacob," I gasped out, running forward to hug him. He was clad shirtless, of course, but at least he still wore pants—that was sort of my limit on the nakedness aspect of the werewolves.

"I wouldn't do that, now, Bella," he mocked, and suddenly he was a wolf again, flying towards me at lightning speed. I screamed and ran, stumbling and tripping over large, knotted roots in my desperation. My dream self didn't seem to realize that running would do no good against the wolves.

"Please!" I gasped, just as his teeth closed over my throat.

"Oh please. I would never do that to you, Bella," he scoffed, suddenly human in front of me again. I clutched to my sides, gasping for breath.

Jacob started back into the trees again, despite my pleads for him to stay. At the last moment, he paused and seemed to think about something before throwing me an old, rusty knife. I caught it in midair, surprised by my own coordination.

At this rate I should try flying.

"What's this for!" I called to him, but in response he simply shrugged and threw back a 'you tell me!'

I set the knife down at me feet and gazed at the silver object in amazement, suddenly finding it incredibly attractive. The way the hilt glinted, the texture of the blade...it was all so appealing. For some reason I wanted to touch it.

"That's disgusting," a voice shouted from my left. I looked up to see a woman with wild red curls, a perfect cat-like stance, and stone cold eyes watching me. Victoria.

I backed up instantly, frightened by her casual appearance. Usually it was suspended, yet always expected...it never happened like this. Never.

My breath hitched, and I tried to think rationally about the situation; nothing seemed to work. I knew I was dreaming, and yet I couldn't wake up or dispel the fear that was clawing at my insides.

"Don't worry, now, pet," she cooed, making me shiver again. "I'm not going to kill you, yet. We all know where this is going, I think," she smirked. _No we did not all know where this was going..._

She disappeared. I was petrified with fear, dreading the moment she would return and attack me; it would always wake me up.

But she never showed.

The day seemed to suddenly be rapidly progressing, and soon I was surrounded by total blackness. Panic rose deep in my throat. "Help!" I screamed, but nobody answered.

All of a sudden I remembered the knife in my hand, my only weapon. In my haste to secure a better hold on it, I let it slip. It pierced my skin in a long, calming burst of agony. I sighed; nothing else was going on, so why shouldn't I keep doing this? I'd never had a dream about cutting. I wondered if it still worked the same way.

To my surprise, it did.

Pretty soon I was losing a lot of blood, but I told myself it didn't matter—this was all a dream in any case. Footsteps sounded from the darkness, and in a sudden flash the forest was illuminated with light.

I felt nauseous at the sight that beheld me.

At least 60 ravenous looking, angry vampires were in front of me, assembled in a terrifying line. And oh God, I was bleeding. I waited for my oncoming death, praying it would be quick; yet still it never came.

"Well I won't hurt her," I recognized a voice...Alice? However, the vampire that approached me was definitely not Alice. Red eyes and a pale face, but besides that her features seemed indistinguishable, like they were constantly changing.

In one swift motion, the knife was out if my hands and in those of the current speaker. She looked down at me, the mysterious creature, with an expression that almost seemed to be pity.

And then I was aware of all of the vampires suddenly reaching down, grabbing various sharp instruments and weapons.

"Stop!" I screamed, for they were mine. All of these were mine, every single one of those tools...and they were taking them. I knew it without a doubt in my mind, without understanding why or where or if it even mattered. They were taking my tools, and I needed to cut.

"You can't!" I screeched at the nameless vampire, but she only laughed gruesomely and smirked, the features were becoming clearer…

"Oh I think we can, Bella," she replied.

"How do you- how do you know my name?" I squeaked. For some reason this dream didn't feel so fake anymore.

"Oh we always knew your name," a male voice stated, coming up right behind me and wrapping me in a chokehold. I screamed.

"Let it go," he ordered, for another knife had appeared in a tight grip held firmly in my left hand. I shook my head adamantly no, and he pulled back to let out a roar of uncontested rage. I was quivering beneath his gaze.

"Bella." my angel's voice whispered, now appearing soft and velvet. "Let go," he commanded. He was suddenly recognizable in the light, bronze hair tossed sweetly around, red eyes now golden, gleaming in the night. "Let go," Edward repeated, but I did not oblige.

My angel sighed in front of me, taking the hand of the female…_Alice? _and releasing his hold on me. "You've left me no choice, then," he stated.

I realized his plan even before he put it into action. "Let go," he said again, taking a huge step back. His eyes grew black.

"Don't leave! Don't leave me!" I pleaded, but Edward just shook his head sadly. Before he preceded any farther backwards, he seemed to have a second thought. He reached forward and lightly pressed my chest.

I screamed.

And screamed. And screamed. The resulting torture was agony; the hole in my chest burst open with a sickening blast. I cried out to him, but he only continued walking back.

With every step he took my pain grew even worse than I thought possible, but I couldn't let go of the knife. It was as if it was glued to me, my fingers shook but still it remained attached.

"Please!" I screamed, but no one was around to hear me. The vampire army had suddenly vanished, leaving me in the wake of no one.

And then there was Gran.

I didn't say anything this time, since the last time I dreamt about Gran it hadn't exactly gone well.

"You don't want to be like me," she stated flatly. I shook my head no in response—somehow that was the answer.

"You won't be, honey." she comforted. "You'll be dead."

I was about to object her, deny the assumption that vampires weren't alive, but she silenced me with her finger.

I knew why a second too late.

Victoria was stalking me again, and now I was back in Edward and my meadow, looking just the same as it did when Laurent attacked me only months previous.

"Shame," Victoria stated, looking me up and down. "Already dead."

It was then that I looked down at myself, only to wish that I hadn't. I was covered in slash marks with a bullet hole through my chest. It was gaping blood, and the pain that Edward's touch had inflicted on me before rushed back with a startling jolt. I screamed again, and it felt as real to me as it had just months ago. It was sick that my body could remember this, and even sicker that it held on to the feeling just to be re-released in my dreams. It was too much pain to bear. Unconsciously, I suddenly knew that I was dead.

"I told you so," Victoria murmured, face contorting to form a thousand faces, her voice filled with a million sounds.

Everyone I'd ever known.

It was terrifying, the scariest experience that had ever occurred in my life. And then I woke up.

I sat bolt right in bed, gasping for air with sweat dripping down my face. Sobs choked their way out of my mouth as I struggled to push the covers off, and I was vaguely aware of Edward's body trying to talk to mine, but right now there was only one thing on my mind.

It was something I did every time I had a nightmare. Usually, just after _that_ nightmare…but I'd never had one, aside from _that_ one, quite as bad as this.

I practically fell off the bed, heart beating frantically as I made my way over to the dresser. I had no idea how, or when, I remembered this was here—but I did. My feet barely made contact with the floor as I stumbled, and it wasn't until I felt the cold knob of the middle drawers' handle that I began to relax. And then un-relax when I felt another cool object restraining my arm from grabbing what was inside; Edward.

I was brought back to reality by his slight tugging on my upper arm, demanding my attention. I gasped in surprise. I wasn't used to having company when one of these hit. I had barely registered his presence at first. But now that I did, I couldn't believe it.

He looked ready to kill someone. His eyes were black, his grip on me just a little too hard. But the true telltale sign of his anger? Two fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. Hell, I was in for it big time.

"Bella," he breathed, releasing me very slowly for someone with his speed, "_Please_ tell me you..." he trailed off, though he finally released his iron hold on me. His jaw was clenched shut.

I didn't know what to say, because shame was overtaking me in towering waves. How could I be so stupid? How could my need to cut outweigh everything that had just happened? Yet it had. It still _did_, for heavens sake. The only thing keeping me from what I wanted was the vampire in front of me who could barely look at me.

"You were talking," he admitted, taking a small step back. The dream memories quickly flooded back into me, and I felt a sharp sting in my chest at the sudden distance between us. Not nearly as bad as before, but still very, very painful. My hand unconsciously called out to his in the dark, but I drew it in.

"You're crying?" Edward asked, shocked. Was I? I blinked in surprise, the fact having not even registered yet in my thoughts. Sure enough, a salty stream of tears were rushing down my face, and it was quickly becoming more like sobbing rather than simple crying.

Edward seemed completely taken aback. He moved forward, as if to hold me, but I shrunk away from his grip. He was having none of that; he simply pulled me to him and wrapped his stone cold arms around my waist, securing me to him.

It was nice. He stroked my hair back with one hand as he spoke, his anger having successfully been sidelined for the moment.

"You were having a nightmare," he said to me, and I simply nodded in response. "I should have woken you up." He stated in disbelief. In the darkness I could barely see shock cross his features as he realized his mistake. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he told me, "I wasn't thinking. I don't know why I didn't, I have no excuse. It just…it put me off guard, I wasn't expecting…that to-"

"Stop," I shushed him, putting an end to his babbling.

I burrowed my face in his chest, content with the comfort of his presence. I was shaking slightly as I remembered every terrible part of my nightmare. _Already dead..._

I shivered again, and Edward swiftly picked me up and had me back under the covers in one second flat.

"So that's what you would do?" Edward asked me, and I didn't know if he was more upset with himself or me. He grimaced. "Charlie thinks about it a lot, he's always worried they'll come back..."

He trailed off, shaking his head at me. My eyes flew open in shock.

_He knew?_ Ever since his return I'd done everything in my power to keep my darkest days from him; I'd never told him about the nightmares for just that reason. I should have counted Charlie in on my plan.

Of course he would be thinking about them, I realized. I'd only woken up screaming my lungs out nearly every night for half a year. My poor dad. I had a feeling he'd briefly considered institutionalizing me, though I knew it would never go that far. He would have thought that far too extreme for my case—he hadn't known anything about what went down in Phoenix. I still wondered how much he knew.

"I was waiting for you to tell me," Edward sadly admitted.

I felt horrible. He must feel responsible for everything, but he _wasn't._ I just had a problem dealing when people randomly decided to drop me from their lives—sort of a big problem.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, to which I didn't respond. He seemed to be waiting for an answer, however, so after a moment I just shook my head no.

"Bella..." he sighed, wrapping his arms around me once more. I could tell he was caught between his need for answers and his desire to obey my wishes. This one, however, was a mental battle I couldn't help weigh in on. After a moment, he made his choice.

"It's okay," he comforted quietly. "It was just a dream, and dreams aren't real. Everything's going to be just fine. Shh," he soothed, and I felt a little better. He was going to let me have the night. I started to sob harder; if only what he said could be true.

I thought dreams of him leaving for the first time had been hard. Nobody ever says anything about the second.


	15. Dazzle Me

**A/N: **Only one more to go! I hope you enjoyed my week's work, and please do favorite, alert, or review. It makes my day, and encourages me to write more. You can count on it...xoxo.

I woke from my final slumber in a haze, feeling completely the hung over teenager. I blinked a few times to let my eyes adjust, which they did- reluctantly.

"Awake yet?" Someone asked, making me practically jump out of my skin.

Well, _now_ I am, thanks.

"E-Edward?" I questioned, cautious still...I couldn't really remember anything past these last few seconds quite yet. That's what oversleeping always did to me...wait! Oversleeping?

"I overslept?" I yelped, jumping out of bed hurriedly and scampering to find some clothes.

"Of course you did," Edward told me," It's Saturday,"

"Well why didn't you wake me up! Geez, we're already going to be so late on top of yesterday and- oh," I said, stumped. Saturday.

Edward smirked at me from my bed, patting the seat beside him for my return. The sheets were ruffled from my restless night, and I couldn't imagine my hair was any better.

I sighed. "Really?" I couldn't imagine anyone wanting me right now, so early in the morning...it was just strange. "Ugh, I probably look disgusting from...well, anyway. Human moment?" I begged, giving him the pout that usually seemed to work. He slowly looked me over twice before returning his gaze to my face, making me blush.

"Are you serious?" he questioned, astonished, but still clearly enjoying the embarrassment emanating off of me. Too much.

"It's just, I love the way you look in the morning," he explained, erasing my anger. _How I looked_? In the _morning_? Dear Lord I loved _this __boy..._

I launched myself onto him suddenly, completely forgetting about morning breath or my messy hair as my arms locked around his neck and I feverishly attacked his lips with my own. He responded to the kiss immediately, twining one hand in my hair as he half picked-me-up with his other so that my feet were barely off the ground.

He spun me around and I laughed against his lips, but he merely pulled me closer and continued to kiss me as if his life depended on it. Hmm. _Maybe it did... _I couldn't really tell. My head was getting fuzzy.

"Isabella Swan," he growled at me when I pulled away to breathe, voice deep and heavy from all the kissing, "You have _no_ idea how amazing you are. I wish you could see..." he trailed off mournfully, pulling my lips back to his own in an angry burst of fire.

There were so many emotions in this kiss; we were quickly passing all of his previous set boundaries with flying colors. It was like we needed it: like it was what we breathed.

I reached for the top button of his shirt, and surprisingly, he didn't pull away. It looked like this time, he wanted it just as bad as I did. Wow.

I fumbled with the buttons while he moved his mouth back down to my throat, but it didn't take long until his shirt was completely gone and he was going for my own.

His hands bunched the fabric at the bottom, and a little warning bell screamed 'NO! NO! NO!' at me, but why could that possibly be? This was bliss, this was ecstasy, this was-

"Bella," Edward started, searching my eyes for permission...we had never done this before. And that's when I remembered why we couldn't do it _yet_.

We seemed to pull away at the same exact moment, my eyes downcast as I tried to regain control over my erratic breathing. I was sort of happy that I hadn't been the only one to realize we needed to stop- though I knew his reasons and mine were quite different.

"Sorry," he panted, breathing heavily. _Wait, Edward was out of breath? What?_ We carefully sat back down on my bed, not quite touching; I was afraid that if we did, the cycle would start over all again...I just couldn't control myself around Edward.

He was waiting for a response. I tried to work on some composure and failed quickly and absolutely.

"Don't be," I mumbled, feeling like a complete and total idiot next to this perfect God...my own personal Adonis.

"You shouldn't say that. That went too far, I could've-"

"Hey," I interrupted him- and it was about time I got to- "Do I look injured?"

I could see him start to protest, so I attempted the one eyebrow thing- which didn't work (of course)- but at least got his attention.

"Do I?" I questioned him expectantly, to which he sighed and leaned back on my bed.

"No," he groaned. I smiled.

"Exactly. So you should stop beating yourself up and congratulate yourself on a job well done!" It sounded pretty good in my head.

"Right, because nearly..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "Forget it. It doesn't matter anyway, it won't happen again," I was both relieved and disappointed by his declaration.

"Okay..." I agreed easily, glad he wouldn't attempt to take off my shirt again, no matter how much I wanted him to... "For now," I seconded. He laughed.

"For now," he allotted. We sat in comfortable silence for a moment, both mulling over our own thoughts.

"Bella?" He asked, I was now playing with a stray piece of my hair, ready for this to be over.

"Hmm?"

"Why did you pull away?"

I froze. "Excuse me?" I hoped he wasn't going where I thought he was going.

"Why did you pull away?" he repeated, "I mean, not that that's not...what I mean is..." Edward was fumbling or words. _Edward!_ "Well," he finally mumbled, and now he was fidgeting as well, "You know my reasons. I want to know yours,"

I blushed. So _that's_ what he was getting at? He thought I didn't _want_ to? "Oh please," I laughed, "I may be dating a century old vampire, but believe me, I'm _definitely_ still a teenager," I joked. He seemed incredibly relieved by my statement. Interesting. And then his expression shifted, a look I couldn't quite place crossing his features.

"Dating," he scoffed, like it was a dirty word. I groaned internally- marriage was definitely not something I wanted to talk about first thing in the morning. In fact, we had very different views on what should be treated as a dirty word...

"Don't start this again!" I practically jumped, "I just woke up and I'm disoriented and groggy and sexually repressed _already_, so _don't you start_!" I took a deep breath as finished, proud I'd managed all of that in one session. Usually when Edward mentioned the topic, I shied away from it like a venomous snake.

Edward seemed thoughtful for a moment, as if contemplating something. "Fine," he surrendered, avoiding my gaze. He sucked in a deep breath, and when he finally met my eyes again, they held a glint of something that made me instantly suspicious.

"But you know," he continued, "This really would be the perfect time to push it..." he shoved me slightly so that I fell back onto the bed, where he gingerly placed his hands on either side of my head. His cool breath fanned in my face. Why was this important again?

"Marry me," he whispered. I was too caught up in his beauty, I didn't respond. Edward sighed sadly after another minute of silence. "Alright, so that didn't work. I guess I'll just have to keep trying," he teased. I tried to answer him, but was still immobilized. Finally, I seemed to regain my voice:

"You dazzled me," I admitted. He groaned.

"Bella, how on earth am I going to get you to marry me if you're not even listening?" he chuckled. I sighed.

"I have no idea. I guess it's just too much of an impossible feat. You should give up," I added. He glared.

"Never," he vowed, and I cringed (not unmissed by Edward, of course.)

"Let's just work on getting downstairs, first," I said, only half joking. It did seem pretty hard this morning.

"Okay, I can do that. What's for breakfast?" He grinned at me.

I laughed, hit him on the head, and proceeded to make my way downstairs for what would, inconceivably, be another long day.

We decided soon after I ate that we would go to our meadow today. We needed it, and maybe it would finally be the time when all of the unsaid things between us came out. I could tell Edward was practically in pain from not yet confronting me about the cutting, and even though I _really_ didn't want to...it hurt me to see him like this. So I agreed.

This time, the drive wasn't nearly as silent as the ones yesterday had been. We chattered on about nothing in particular, happy just to be talking instead of fighting. I hated fighting with Edward.

By the time we reached the edge of the road, it almost seemed as if all was forgotten. The sun was slightly out, illuminating everything in it's path- including Edward's skin. Normally he wouldn't have gone outside in this weather- not because he was shockingly obvious, but because the Cullen's didn't take unnecessary risks. Vampires and all...

Everything was overly green, the trees broad and high reaching; a reaction to so much rain. In a strange way, it was sort of pretty. It felt full, somehow. Rich with life.

I hopped out of the car in one fluid motion, glad that Edward had at least let me get my own door for once.

"Ready?" He asked, -motioning to his back- , and I twisted my face but nodded. I _usually _didn't mind running with Edward anymore, but...

"Close your eyes," he reminded sternly. I obliged and climbed onto his back, securing myself firmly to him.

"You better hold on tight spider monkey," he teased, and I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my lips.

"Now she smiles," he applauded. "See, what would you do if I talked like that all the time?" He grinned.

I swatted his arm playfully while the other was still gripping him for dear life. "Love you still," I said simply.

"You really do have a terrible taste in men..."

"Oh just shut up and run," I laughed. He obliged.

This time, however- even with his warning- I forgot to close my eyes. Bad memories rushed up against their surface without my permission, stinging as I remembered.

Suddenly I wanted off. I didn't want to have to go through another day of pretending I had rarely come here when he was gone, didn't want to lie to him anymore.

The forest felt too hot. His icy presence was doing nothing to relieve the heat, gosh it was _burning..._ my vision swayed. Why hadn't I closed my eyes? _Cut, Bella, cut..._ But with what? There was nothing I could use right now, with him watching me and- Oh God, I was going to be sick.

Better yet; I collapsed.

**Well uh oh. Wanna review? **


	16. Overwhelmed

**A/N: **Last one for the night guys! Hope you enjoyed keeping up with it, and please tell me your suggestions, comments, ideas...you get it. Thank you forever, xoxo. Review.

"Bella? Bella?" A frantic voice called, shaking me slightly as I shrugged it off.

"Mmm...no," I responded. He was still shaking me. Why wouldn't this guy just let me sleep? I was already going to have to wake up to Edward and-

"Oh!" I yelped, opening my eyes to see a very pale, anxious looking face leaning over me. I remembered the heat, the forest rushing by as my memories overtook me... And that was all it took for the need to cut to return in full force.

"Dear God," I mumbled, rolling over and sitting back up. "I forgot to close my eyes," I admitted to him truthfully. It was true, I did forget- I just had my doubts over the fact of whether or not that had made me collapse.

Edward looked back at me with another unrecognizable expression on his face. "Never do that again," he ordered rather cautiously, as if he thought I was going to throw up or something still. After a minute it got annoying.

"Stop looking at me like that. I'm fine, you know how easily I faint," I reminded him. He nodded, but still didn't seem convinced.

"Bella, your pulse was through the roof. It didn't seem like you just got dizzy..." he admitted. Damn. Wait-

"You checked my pulse?" I squeaked, to which he sighed and tapped one finger to his neck. So he'd checked my neck, of course- that must be easiest for him, vampire senses and all...he probably didn't even need to. I had a feeling he could tell you my pulse any time of day, 24/7.

"Oh. Sorry, I..."

"It's okay, I can tell you regret showing me... I know you still don't want me to see," he answered earnestly. I flinched. We hadn't been this blatant about it yet. I didn't exactly want to be.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he cautioned, to which I nodded.

"Perfect," I amended. He continued to look at me strangely.

"Okay...well, if you're up for it, do you want to walk the rest of the way? It shouldn't take long, but I don't think we should risk running again..." I adamantly agreed with that statement.

"Sure! Let's go," I said, with as much fake enthusiasm as I could manage. I jumped up only to sway again when my feet touched the ground. Edward caught me, but I shied away from his grip. I didn't want that right now.

"Bella," he demanded, turning so that he faced me and placing both hands on my shoulders. "What?"

I looked down at the forest floor, avoiding his question completely. "Let's go," I tried again, but he did not release me. There was a moment when neither of us said anything, and all that could be heard was the rustling of the leaves.

"You're still not letting me in," he admitted. His shoulders sagged, and he made no more move to restrain me. He looked like I'd kicked his puppy.

"Edward don't do this to me," I pleaded.

His sadness had changed, however. He was quickly growing angry, my comment only egging him on. "Well what do you want me to say, Bella! I'm not the one who slices my own skin open and-" he clenched his jaw in acute restraint. I remained silent.

He took a deep breath before he reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a blade- my stomach turned. I recognized it as the one I'd used when I was really upset, the one that I'd remembered was hidden in the top drawer of my dresser last night- the one even _he _hadn't found...of course he'd seen it. It was as obvious in there as the elephants appearing around us. Silver and black, scarlet staining the edges even after multiple attempts at cleaning it… The black was from when I'd sharpied on what I would scar, first. I hoped he didn't make the connection, that he would assume I'd just doodled on it of all places… If not, well, that would open up a whole new level of perverse to him-

"I hate this thing," he whispered to me. He crushed it in one swift motion, all my hard work floating away into dust at his fingertips. I wanted to cry.

He seemed to sense my wavering stability, for he took a step forward, face apologetic as if he regretted his rash action.

"Bella-" he wrapped his arms around me, face contorting at whatever he read on my own. This cycle seemed to be happening a lot lately. Bring it up, yell, and apologize...

"Stop," I told him, voice thick from trying to hold back my tears. I shrugged out from under his grip, wiping my eyes when I thought he wouldn't be able to tell. I was shaking.

"I don't want to do this today," I begged. He was suddenly very angry again; my words seemed only to offset him.

"Oh, so you're going to _want_ to do this some other time, is that it? You can't just _ignore_ it!" he yelled, and now I was getting angry, too.

"You don't tell me what to do!" I shouted right back, and he laughed a little.

"Really, Bella? That's what you're going to play on? Because I have a feeling that if it_ threatens your life _the hospital doesn't quite feel the same way!" Oh no he didn't.

"Hospital? What the hell does a hospital have to do with- I'm not even a _minor_ anymore, Edward! You can only lock me up for, what, 72 hours? And only _if _ordered by a certifiable medical practitioner and longer only _if_ by the end of the three says they fear my mental state is unstable or I'm a _suicide risk_! Which I'm not! _So don't even try it!_" I shouted defensively. The hell he threaten me with the hospital. I had the hospital freaking memorized.

He paused. "Bella, how do you know all of that?" he asked me, cautiously, as if he was dealing with a wild animal.

"You hated government..." I didn't respond. Crap.

He had me cornered. I kept up with the silence. "And you didn't want Alice to read your medical file..." This was clicking into place way too fast for my liking. I had a feeling he'd figured all of this out ages ago, and was just now letting me in on what he'd discovered.

"What really happened in Phoenix, Bella?"

And that's when I passed out.

**Cliffy, much? Oh yeah- I'm just that mean. So you better review...or it may turn into a tootsie pop tale. The world may never know. **


	17. All Wrong

**A/N: **So...anyone curius about _what_ exactly happened in Phoenix? You're about to find out. This chapter has some crazy flashbacks, but they should be pretty easy to figure out if you pay attention...and yeah, I discovered line breaks :) It's a long one, so I do appreciate the feedback. That's all, xo.

**BPOV**

Clouds. The first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes from the amazing safety of sleep. Oh I knew where we were going, of course. I had no doubt in my mind that Renee had finally had enough. I wondered when she planned on telling me, or if it would just pass as some unspoken agreement. Not like I agreed, ha…but she would be the one with the final word, not me. I was the minor, and she was, (for all practical purposes) …the _adult-_ meaning I had to abide to _all_ of her stupid decisions, _every time_.

Renée noticed my stirring. She quickly hung up her cell phone after exchanging a hasty 'goodbye' to whoever was on the other line. Securing last minute details, possibly? I had a bad feeling about this one.

I figured that since she already knew I was awake, there was no point in keeping quiet.

"Are we almost there?" I groaned, sort of banging my head against the window. She gave me a long look; as in _stop it before I send you here forever._

"Just asking," I grumbled, tapping my fingers impatiently. The phoenix air was slowly drifting away, becoming less muggy and more…open? I didn't like it. The red ground was turning darker, society going completely out of view. Oh my god. _What if she was sending me to a wilderness survival program! _No, that was not possible. First of all, I would fall over and hurt myself in like the first five seconds, which would completely ruin the whole point of 'keeping me safe.' So I was secure from trees. _For now, at least…_

"So? What is this place going to be? Oh, don't tell me! It'll be in the mountains, right? Or some psycho-religious camp. Or is it in the middle nowhere, my God that would suck. Would you really send your _only _daughter into the jungle? Some mother you are," I scoffed.

"Bella," she sighed, clearly annoyed by my blatancy this early in the morning.

"Oh, of course. I forgot. You don't like me talking about this, do you? It makes you _uncomfortable_? So I shouldn't say anything like, I don't know, _you're a terrible mother and why the hell are you doing this_?" I looked up at her expectantly, batting my lashes in just the right way. She completely ignored me, keeping her focus on the road. _Well fine_. See how much I cared. I didn't.

In truth, I couldn't stand it when people ignored me; especially when I was _trying _to provoke them…

"How much are you paying for this thing, anyway? I hope you dropped some big bucks; I'm worth it, right?" She was starting to grow tense, and I could tell. Her fingers tightened infinitesimally around the steering wheel, gaze hardening just a little. I grinned at this small victory; I would settle for just about anything right now.

"It doesn't matter what I'm paying," she stated. Um, _of course_ the hell it_ does…_

I was getting sick of this. I didn't want to play around if she wouldn't play with me, where was the fun in that? _One last time…_

"What? Scared ol' Philly won't be able to handle the rent anymore, huh? He can't make _that _much, mom. He's only _minor_ league...I hate to break it to you, but if you really wanted to try out this whole '_gold digger' _thing then you should have at least gone for someone in the majors! Besides, they cheat on their wives all the time-it wouldn't be so hard without the surprise," I grinned. Her poker face dropped.

I'd gotten to her; I could see it. She tried to take a calming breath, but I beat her to it before it could sink in. "What, don't tell me you haven't found out by now. There must be at least three of them, maybe four?" She lost it.

"Goddamn it, Bella! Can you at least _try _to be quiet?" Ooh. Maybe there actually _were _a few suspicious looking ladies...too bad I wouldn't have time to pry. "Honestly, when was the last time you were actually _friendly_, to anyone in your life? Just-" She closed her eyes briefly, trying to remain the _adult_, be _calm_… "You need this so much," she lamented. I was offended. Like I actually needed anything from _her_.

"Hey, don't go calling names now," I protested, "Besides, Friendly's _my_ middle name." She gave me a skeptical look, but only proceeded to shake her head and return her concentration to the road. _Not even a tear._ I was losing my touch- this was not good. I'd definitely have to find some good practicing material in this hellhole I was going to, wherever that may be. And then practice. A lot. Offense was my only true weapon- bring on the defense, and I'd be toast in a couple of minutes…I couldn't let that happen. But these people…they would be _made _for this, for people like me. They would be able to take it better than anyone else I'd ever hurt, quiz me like no therapist ever could.

And that meant…I needed a game plan.

Fast.

* * *

Somebody was poking me, touching me with something cold, and poking me again. I could barely register the feeling from my dream state, but it was strong enough that my thoughts began to reform. Feeling began to return, and then there were voices:

"-sure that she'll wake up in…"

"-could be…or heat ex…emotional stress?"

"-time, probably hear us…don't… yourself"

"-should've told...sooner,"

Ugh. This was getting annoying, just hearing bits and pieces of the voices. They felt familiar for some important reason, one with a tone as sweet as honey, soft as lilac…and the other nearly as beautiful. Nearly as beautiful...

"You really do this?" I asked, looking down at the razor blade in my hands. Marlene rolled her eyes and nodded at me, as if it should be the most obvious thing in the world.

"It's just a _cut_, Bella. It's not like we're getting high or anything. Unless you want to…" she grinned at me, but I quickly shook my head no and she shrugged. "Whatever you say. Just don't go squealing on us, now, okay? This is a place made from _trust_. We can trust you, right?" All attention was on me.

"Of- of course!" I rushed, eager for the spotlight to be shone on somebody else. The group exchanged a look, but it would inexorably be Marlene who made the final decision. Was I worth it, or was I not? Could I be trusted, or could I be hurt…? There gazes did not leave my face, even after I proclaimed my vow of secrecy. I squirmed under the scrutiny, trying not to fidget. Fidgeting would definitely not be a good idea right about now.

"Skittish, huh?" Marlene smirked, sipping a bottle of…something… "We'll see if we can change that. _Welcome to the club_."

Everybody clapped.

* * *

It was bright in here, wherever _here_ actually was. I could see it behind my closed eyelids; light burned everywhere, encompassing the darkness and taking away my sleep. Did that mean it was time to wakeup? I supposed it did.

Carefully, with some reluctance carried by a '_why' _I could not place, I dragged open my heavy lids and blinked a few times at my surroundings. Edward's room._ Why was I in Edward's room?_ I thought back to my day, trying to make sense of the scattered bits and pieces that were slowly forming around me. We'd just been at my house, and were heading up to the meadow, but...but…_oh! The meadow…_

"Oh my god," I fumbled, sitting up quickly as I registered his quiet form in the corner, browsing through something. I'd been positioned face up on the couch, a thin blanket folded over me which I sloppily tossed away. He sighed loudly, still not turning back to me.

"You're awake, I'm assuming?" His voice was flat, but he sounded frustrated at something…

I blushed profusely, trying to push back the day's events that kept rushing back at me. I wanted to apologize, to say _something_…but all I could think of sounded stupid, or fake, or both. I sat up a little straighter, taking in the room. The same ginormous collection of cd's, sunlight pouring through the wall, and my boyfriend standing not ten feet away; still as a statue across the room.

"I fainted." My voice was so small I could barely hear it, but I was sure he'd catch every word. He slowly turned around to face me, and nodded. My face flamed a million times redder…if possible.

"So if I, well, um, Carlisle and…I think I was kind of…what I mean is did you… not that I wouldn't…?" I literally couldn't get any words to come out right, but I didn't blame myself; this was all just too embarrassing.

"I brought you here to make sure you were okay," he offered, saving me from my rambling and taking another step closer. "Carlisle just checked you over and offered a more practiced opinion. He doesn't know anything," Edward sighed. I nodded; that was what I remembered.

I felt ashamed. My reaction had been completely unnecessary, overly dramatic, even _desperate_…I should have handled it better, God I just had to _faint…_

"Can I tell him you're _awake_, at least? He'd very much like to know," Edward requested. My jaw drop as I sputtered out an _of course_! I didn't know if Edward was being sarcastic or not, and I hated to think if he wasn't. Could things truly have gotten so tight between us that he had to ask my permission for something as simple as that? Was I truly that much of a monster _already_?

He sighed and raced out of the room at vampire speed, shooting an 'I'll be right back' as he left. I wondered if the tension was getting to be too much for him, too.

It wasn't like I didn't know Edward would find out about Phoenix eventually; I knew he would. It was more that _I _wasn't ready to face Edward finding out about Phoenix… I wasn't ready for eventually.

I had been such an awful person back then, hurt so many people…I was ashamed of myself after the fact. I still was. It was a reason I had the dreams…I could never forget. _I could never forget._

Edward walked back into the room, closing the door behind him as he re-entered. He stopped there, surveying me over, checking for signs of physical pain, I assumed. He would find none, of course... Because fainting didn't hurt; it _worked…_

* * *

"Do you know why people cut, Bella? Or rather, us, at least. I can't speak for others," she grinned. I shook my head no, still wrapped up in the magnificent presence that was Marlene. When you were with her, and she talked to you...it was like the world stopped, like everything she said was the only truth that could be, like you were staring into the face of God.

"Well, it's actually very simple, you see. A very long time ago, someone discovered that they were _worthless_. That no one _cared_..." I kept my eyes transfixed on her perfect face, twisted into a bitter smirk, like an antelope caught in the eye of the tiger. "And then that same person discovered _our magic_. And the pain, all of the bad feelings- they were halted. Just like that, you see? We don't cut because it hurts, Bella; we cut because it _works_."

* * *

"Bella?"

Edward's angelic voice was coming from a few feet in front of me, where I blinked a couple of times to discover him staring at me as if I had webbed feet. 'Well it wasn't _my_ fault the flashback's hit,' I wanted to say. I'd had them so well buried, hadn't even thought about them until recently. And now…

My heart rate picked up as I tried to work up the courage to say something, but I came up empty-handed, yet again_. _It was growing uncomfortable, Edward looking at me while I was over here…_what was I doing?_

"Hey," he was by my side in an instant, kneeling down in front of the big black couch so he could hold my face in his hands. I would never get over how attentive he was.

"It's okay- I understand, I'm not upset or…" He took a deep breath, "-anything. I pushed you too far, I-" Edward paused, looking down briefly before meeting my lips with his own. It was a brief kiss, but it said it all: Don't worry.

"I was wrong to do that, and I'm sorry," he continued. "And I completely understand if you're angry with me."

He added the last part as if it was a second thought, yet the anxiety that accompanied it had obviously been present long before hand. _Wait- mad at Edward? _Did he even know who I _was_?

"Please," I snorted, leaning back on the couch. "Like I could ever _be _angry with you. Preposterous," I scoffed. He sat down next to me and gave me a long look, as if _not really…_so I glared at him again. "I'm serious. I'm really not that good at holding grudges, you know. Especially when the fault is all mine…" I didn't finish the rest; some things were better left unsaid. Edward just looked at me.

"You're still serious," he stated, completely incredulous, and then groaned. "My God, Bella, you do realize that self esteem is a _good _thing to have? No one's going to blame you if you get a little?"

"True dat, my brother!" Emmett- who I guessed was down the hall, _listening _to us- seconded. My jaw dropped.

I shot Edward a meaningful look, waiting for him to explain his brother's eavesdropping. I could have said something _completely_ compromising, and he hadn't even _warned_ me! Well actually, I guess that had kind of been the point. Better me than him, right? That way there'd be no way I could yell at him; as if I could ever get mad at Edward.

He sighed. "Well, I didn't see anything wrong about it," he surrendered. I continued to glare. "He doesn't even know what-"

"Don't!" I practically shrieked, my hand jerking forward to cover his mouth. He raised one eyebrow at me, catching it automatically before it could meet its destination. He leaned down slowly, and kissed it. I was in love.

"Okay," he said, "I get it. No telling," he smiled, but then leaned in to me, voice right at my ear.

"_But you do realize, Bella_,_ that secrets don't usually last very long in my house_…" His breath was fanning all around my face, his words having lost all their meaning. I shivered, but it was not from the chill. Time stopped.

I don't know who leaned in first, but somehow we went from lecturing each other about whose fault me fainting was, to kissing like it was our last in this world. I could hear Emmett sounding off about his disappointment from the other room, but there was nothing more important than this. There was nothing _better _than this…

"You know, secrets don't make friends!"

"You shouldn't trust vampires!"

"I'll find it out when you're sleeping…"

"When do you even _breathe_?" I laughed against Edward's lips, but he was too insistent, too alluring... and I immediately found myself re-wrapped up in the kiss.

It was great; hot and cold joining together to form the perfect combination, something so illustrious that not even human nature itself could erase its appeal. Edward had one hand in my hair, the other on the small of my back…and I couldn't even keep up with my own limbs. I think I had my hands wrapped around his neck, but really, who knows? I could be doing anything when it comes to kissing Edward- during those times, I possessed absolutely no control over my own body. Almost like…

A physical shock coursed through my whole body, causing me to rapidly pull away. _Almost like…_

I shivered.

Edward's face was priceless; I almost never pulled away. That was always his job, which to my extreme excitement he hadn't been very good at lately. It made perfect sense that just at the exact time he decided to start letting go, I start tightening up. Somebody high up sure hated us together.

I avoided his probing gaze, giving myself a minute to recover. I ran a finger through my hair, trying to calm my erratic breathing. He stared at me for another few seconds, and then gave up with an audible complaint as he sunk back into the leather couch. I couldn't blame him; I was being unfair.

But _almost like…_ No. If I had any more of this today, I was sure I'd do something much worse than just _faint_. I couldn't stand being around him when all he was doing was reminding me of what_ I_ wasn't doing. I had to have some space.

I didn't think I could do this sitting down. He was much too close to me the way we were; I would sense his proximity, feel his worry...and I would lose it the second I began. No.

I briefly closed my eyes, and then hopped up without any sort of explanation. I paused for a moment, trying to steel myself for what was to come. After I felt I was as good as I would get, I turned around to reach my hand out to his, which he took with a growing amount of suspicion. I pulled him up- well, of course I couldn't exactly _pull him up_…but I tried, and he got the message. When we were both standing, I took a deep breath and began. I wasn't looking at him.

"I have to get back," I lied. He knew I was lying.

"Really?" He asked, starting to look irate again.

"Yes," I stated. He laughed miserably and, God help me, even coming from that perfect voice I hated the sound.

"Right. I must have forgotten Charlie-" He didn't finish the sentence. "Fine, Bella. You need to go, you need to go. Just don't lie to me," he requested. I breathed in a sigh of relief, nodding quickly while still avoiding his gaze. He was letting me go.

Of course I had no idea how I was actually going to _get _home, but I had a feeling a certain psychic sister of his might be willing to offer me a ride. Not that I was much looking forward to it, but I _needed_ to get out of here. I felt like a caged rat, claustrophobic with the tense air and unspoken promises.

Now it was Edward who was avoiding my gaze, and I felt a stab of guilt as I watched. I couldn't just leave like this, not when just a minute ago we'd been so happy…

_Almost like_…

No. I had to leave, and I had to leave now. I leaned in to kiss his cheek, searching for any sign of forgiveness. I didn't realize that the reason there was none was because he'd never been mad. I didn't realize that he understood.

His arms wrapped around mine, so naturally, that I leaned into his chest as he soothed me. I was well aware that he was trying to persuade me to stay, trying to get me to open up…and all of a sudden staying didn't seem so frightening, didn't seem so…

I winced as Marlene's face hurtled into my vision, blonde curls so perfect that only Rosalie's could compare. The memory hit like ice, and I backed out of Edward's arms as it hit. He frowned, so I gave him a weak smile to let him know I was okay. I was okay, but I needed to go. I needed this.

And then I was turning around, pulling open his door to make my way quickly downstairs. Edward remained in the doorway, and I didn't look back.

"Your truck's in the driveway," someone called to me, and I turned the corner to come face to face with…_Alice! _I gasped at her sudden appearance, muscles tensing with stress. I slowly nodded and, surprisingly, caught the keys as she tossed them to me. I didn't thank her, because we weren't exactly on the best of terms. I absently wondered if this made us even.

I did not expect her to stop me. She didn't.

I was half way down the staircase when she chose to act. Half way down, and not at all out…"Avoidance is not the answer!" She called to me. I tightened my grip on the rail, and she noticed. My whole body felt like stone, and I prayed and prayed and prayed that she wouldn't say it, not with the rest of them here, not now. She smiled.

"_Just a thought…"_ The voice was barely a whisper, as if it had come from my own mind. It chilled me to the bone. But she could not be right.

* * *

**Or could she? REVIEW! **


	18. Spider Web

**A/N: **Hey kidlings, sorry it's short and for the delay, but this thing called school started back and it sucks and it also sucks up my time! Apologies. But review? It would make me verrryyy, very happy :)

Also! Please tell me future POV'S you'd like to see, I've been doing a lot of Bella lately but I'm ready to get back to some others. Suggestions?

**Song For This Chapter: Cherry Bomb - Dakota Fanning (Have I done this here yet? In love with said song...oops)**

**BPOV**

I tapped the windowsill restlessly, waiting for Charlie to get home. It was nearly seven, and he had been gone for _at least_ five hours. _How much fish could one man catch?_

I'd counted on him to help ease the awkwardness of spending a Saturday at home, but as the day wore on, it appeared a worthless wish. He wasn't coming home. I was stuck here alone.

I spent most of the day tidying up around the house, just trying anything to get my mind off of Phoenix. Phoenix…with all of its ghosts, all of the decaying bits of a life I once lived. There was too much, too much of it and not enough of me _here_. I was afraid that if I thought about it for too long, I might not be able to come back the same person I was in Forks.

And, God that would be such a shame. All of their hard work, every dollar my mother had spent crumbling down to nothing…I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't loose myself along the way, I wouldn't...

The phone rang.

I hurried over to the receiver, tripping over the phone line as I struggled to pick it up before the last shrill sounded. Unsurpsingly it proved quite a feat, considering my natural clutzy ability and all.

"Hello?" I answered when I finally regained my balance, itching to…well, something. At least I was able to keep my manners; none of that snobby '_Swan Residence'_ or '_Excuse me?_' nonsense that Jacob loved to dish. Jacob…

"_Jacob_?" I suddenly gasped, to which the person on the other line laughed.

"Aw, come on! How did you know it was me?" He whined, and now it was my turn to laugh.

"You're breathing," I responded. "I don't know- you just have some…I don't know. I can just tell."

"I'll bet," he teased, and I mentally kicked myself. Jacob had always been a little…well, no, very- _interested_ in me. As in, _interested_ interested. Not good.

"Shut up, Jake," I sighed. "So, chief, what did you call me about that was so important I must be alerted on a Saturday night?"

He grumbled something unintelligible about the chief comment, and I smirked. Recently he'd told me that _he _was supposed to have been alpha, but that he gave it up willingly- so, naturally I'd made it my mission to abuse the word as much as possible- much to his displeasure.

"_Actually,_" he replied, "I was going to invite you over tomorrow. But if _somebody _doesn't-"

"No, no! That'd be great!" I rushed, eager to get away….and some other things.

* * *

That night, as I started to get ready for bed, I was thinking about Jake's. The phone call, the plans... And I realized there was _another _very important call that I'd been putting off all day; Edward's.

I didn't much want to do it, but I had to. And I wanted him, no matter what I told myself, to be here. With me. And...and who knows, maybe I'd even be ready to talk. Well, that was actually pretty unlikel; I was just grasping for straws, trying to find something that would give me the courage to pick up the phone. Charlie was home, watching the game in another room, so I didn't have to worry about him overhearing. More so, it was just the fact that _I _didn't want to have to hear anything. I didn't want to hear, speak, or think anything related to any of _that_...I shuddered.

With shaking hands I dialed the number, trying drastically to control my breathing. He answered on the first ring.

"Bella?" The angelic lilt to my name made me want to cry. Words tumbled out of my mouth without me thinking them through, without me thinking at all…

"Are you coming tonight?" I choked out, straining my ears to hear everything I possibly could. It felt like more than just a phone call, it felt like a life line, like if he hung up I would surely drown. Like that day down by the beach, on top of the cliff, waiting for his figure...

He paused, and the line was silent for a few seconds.

"Do you want me to?" He finally asked, voice so quiet I could barely hear what he said. I was stunned. _What a silly question for such a smart person_!

"Of- of course I do, Edward!" I defended, slightly hurt he'd think I might not want him to in the first place. He considered for a moment, presumably judging the conviction in my words. He wouldn't want to force himself on me, as _if_.

"All right," he stated, and this time his voice sounded much happier, maybe even a little relieved… "You're-" Edward paused, sounding a little unsure of himself for once in…forever. I could just picture him shaking his head, trying to make sense of my erratic mood swings.

"Okay. Then I'll be there when Charlie's snoring?" he asked, and I heard the smile in his flawless voice even as he voiced it as a question.

"Perfect," I responded, a smile spreading across my own face as I thought of our imminent reunion. "And Edward?" I began, a little uncertainty lacing my own words this time. "I'm…sorry," I admitted.

Edward laughed. He actually laughed.

"Bella," he chuckled, "What's that phrase you're always telling me, when I apologize and you think I'm being ridiculous?" I thought for a minute.

"Don't be?" Silence. After a moment that really shouldn't have taken that long, I got it. A half smile lit up my face.

"But at least when I say it I'm perfectly justified," I countered, sticking to my confession. Edward sighed.

"You know, you really shouldn't argue with me, Bella. As I think you've figured out by now, I _always win_." The comment was supposed to be a joke. It was supposed to be funny, a good laugh...

It was not.

* * *

"You know, you turned out better than I thought you would, shortie." Marlene was leaning against the top of an armchair across from me, legs draped over the side for what seemed like miles, the perpetual smirk raising her features. She casually lit a cigarette and tossed it in the air, catching it with her middle and third finger before bringing it down to her lips. Her eyes bore into mine, leaving no doubt of the truth to her words.

But Marlene never told the truth.

I stifled my shock with a sly smile; as if saying, _well how did you think I'd turn out, bitch? _-because surely not like this. Not like I was, not like whom I'd become…

Because I'm a bitch. I knew it, I owned up to it…it was who I was, it's who I _am_. And I freaking _loved_ it.

"Shut the fuck up and give me a cigarette," I shot back, making sure to keep the malice in my voice at the appropriate level…because that was how you had to be with Marlene, always; with her it was like walking on eggshells just to stay in the group. She was the most selfish, egotistical, arrogant female I'd ever met and I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone in my life. She was magnetic; I was drawn... Trapped in the web of the spider, watching her red orb spin her red lies.

To my surprise, she was not amused by my usual backtalk. She did not laugh, smile, or show any other signs of encouragement or forgiveness like she usually did. I waited for her to respond, but she stayed still.

My unease was growing stronger, and I had this terrible feeling that I'd done something very, very wrong.

Finally, after what felt like forever, Marlene's eyes reconnected with mine. They were cold, completely closed off like she used to be; terror packed my stomach.

"Just don't get too ahead of yourself, now, _Belle_. _Don't forget I made you_." In one fluid motion she hopped off of the chair's arm, flicking a cigarette at me as she walked out. Her footsteps barely made a sound as she passed.

Her last words echoed back to me, the body they belonged to now long gone through the door. They lingered in the air for minutes, the last ones coming out at such a low whisper they almost sounded like a hiss. It could have been the only truthful thing Marlene ever said to me, or it could have been the last;

"Because I win. I _always win_."


	19. Talk About It

**A/N: **Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, at least I hope that's true here :) I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've had most of this chapter done for months, but I just couldn't bring myself to finish it. I have most of the next one completed as well, so if I get some feedback here that will hurry it up like nobody's business! Sooo I'm kind of starting to focus more on a story line that doesn't really stick to the books, so if you don't like it, tell me and I'll do a bit of re-working. Marlene just interests me. So pleaseee tell me what you think! I will absolutely love you for it forever. As always, xoxo.

**Song For This Chapter: Jar Of Hearts - Christina Perri**

**EPOV**

The forest zoomed past me as I ran, brown and green fading into brief flashes of color as the wind whipped at my face. It wasn't pleasant, exactly, but the speed was incredible and completely unrivaled. Running always calmed me, brought a sense of peace in frantic situations, gave me the time to think. Being a vampire, I didn't have to watch where I was going so much as make sure my feet didn't leave any dents in their place. It was a quiet time, but peaceful. Loud noises were diminished, the everyday chatter broken down to sound waves traveling through the air. _You could get lost in it_, I thought, _in the chatter._

I wasn't paying much attention, so her house came into view quite suddenly, and despite myself I felt a small grin pull up on the corners of my face. It didn't make sense. We had a lot to talk about, a lot to sort through, so why was I so…happy? I attributed it entirely to the strange creature waiting inside—_for me_. Bella didn't just bring out the human side of me, I realized; she also made me an optimist. She was utterly astounding. Absolutely astounding.

I made the leap to her window in an easy jump, rebounding off of the tree beside it for an easy entrance. I noticed my phone buzz absentmindedly in my pocket, but I ignored it, for once. Whatever it was it could wait. Alice could wait. Carlisle could wait. My entire family could wait. Right now, it was all about the woman on the inside who possessed my heart.

But I did not expect the sight that met my eyes upon stepping through the window.

Bella was curled up in a ball, on the floor, sobbing. Her body heaved mercilessly as sob after sob choked through her small frame. Had I been smiling before? I couldn't remember how to smile if I tried. I had not anticipated this. My whole mood darkened. This was a cruel joke. I'd talked to her twenty minutes ago. Twenty minutes! What the hell could happen in twenty minutes? I stopped breathing.

I knew from her stance that she had not yet sensed my appearance, so I would have to let her know I was here, regardless of the consequences. This was my Bella. I would always be there for her. A part of me wasn't even sure this was Bella; she looked too broken to be my Bella.

With hesitant steps I entered the room, watching her the whole time. She remained unaware, and my frozen heart seemed to stutter.

"Bella," I started, but she didn't move. I waited for a few more seconds, wanting with every inch of my being to rush over to her and offer what little comfort I could.

"Bella," I said again, a little more forcefully. This time her head snapped up, but her eyes showed little recognition. This scared me more than I let on.

Her wood floors creaked under my fast movement, and I ignored shutting the window as I ran to her in my haste. I was at her side in a flash, and I held her face in my hands but she still wouldn't look at me. This was not the Bella I knew. The girl in front of me was just that — a girl — she looked young, so young…it pained me, and I could not associate the two.

"Bella. Bella," I tried. "What's wrong? Sweetheart what's wrong?" I begged, but she just shook her head and ignored me. I started to grow very nervous very fast.

"Isabella…" The tears came harder now, and she fell into my arms on the wooden floor. I was speechless. When had this happened? For how long has she been this way, and so alone? Bella, however, was not speechless.

"I killed her, Edward!" She sobbed, "I was mad and I didn't know how to act and I screwed up and she was so fragile, and I didn't know! No one told me how she was, no one even knew…I didn't know anything about it, I didn't know, you have to believe me I didn't know! She was just….and I let her walk out and..." Bella was absolutely hysterical, and I had no idea how to handle this. I was not built for this. I had no experience, nothing to refer to…it was the easiest question in the book, and yet I did not know: _how do you comfort a crying girl?_ It was ridiculous, but I'd had no need to learn. In my human life I'd had no siblings, and the females in my life had, for the most part, been fairly happy in my presence. And in any case, it was not customary for a woman to have such an episode in front of a male during my upbringing. No one talked about it. And now it was coming back to bite me.

I acted on instinct, in the only way I knew how. I hugged her. And not lightly, at that. I worried I was holding her too tight, which was probably true. But not once did she complain. I don't know how long we sat like that, embracing on the floor, but it was long enough that her words died out to nothings, her tears to mere trickles of salt water. My mind was spinning so fast I had to race to keep up with the incoming thoughts. I ran my hand along Bella's back, shushing her and trying desperately to reign in some of my previous human instincts. In that moment, I felt more human than I had in a hundred years.

Bella went completely limp in my arms. Her eyes stared straight ahead, her mouth set in a dour line.

"I killed her." Bella's voice was impassive as she spoke, a flat monotone to my panic.

"I'm sure you didn't kill anyone," I comforted. What on earth was she going on about? I wondered briefly if I should get Carlisle, but quickly ruled out the thought. That would mean leaving her, something, in this state, that just wasn't possible. Had she fallen down the stairs? Hit her head while doing the laundry? But Alice would have known immediately and sent help if she had been injured. Had that mutt said something about-

"Her name was Marlene."

"Her name was nothing," I corrected smoothly. "You didn't kill anyone."

"She was seventeen. Almost eighteen."

"She doesn't exist."

"But she _did _exist."

"Bella..."

"She was my best friend."

I paused. This was not recent, I realized with a jolt. Bella wasn't talking about today or yesterday or ten minutes ago or even last month. She was referring to a time from before I met her…this was from Phoenix. She was finally opening up. But about what?

"What you said on the phone," she started, "About winning."

"I was kidding," I struggled. I was having a difficult time holding on to the turn of the conversation, which clearly she was leading. When had that happened?

"Those were her last words," Bella told me. "Marlene."

A half smile lit up her beautiful face as the word rolled off her lips. She hurried on to continue. "Well, to me at least. I don't really know if she talked to anybody else, but I never thought so. Those seem like pretty good last words if you ask me, though, don't they?" I nodded, because it was what she wanted to hear. At this point I would do anything for her to continue. I needed to know, I just _needed to know_.

She scooted out of my arms at that point, and I noted unconsciously that even with the heat on, Bella's hands were nearly as cold as mine. She was freezing.

We were still seated on the floor, though now widely separated across it. I leaned against the dresser; Bella occupied the middle of the room with her back against the bed. Her hair was framed neatly against her face, tears still running slowly down her cheeks. Her face was nearly as pale as my family's. Somehow, she looked even more beautiful than before. Ethereal.

"I'm going to tell you a story," she whispered, and her eyes were somewhere else. "It doesn't have a happy ending, but then when do they ever, these days? You're always searching for them, and they're never there." She stretched _never _into three syllables, her voice going up several pitches. Her eyes still scared me. They were vacant.

Bella took a deep breath, and I noticed pleasingly that her breathing had returned to normal.

"There was a girl. Let's call her Jane." I nodded, not missing the reference to the name she had used months earlier to represent herself during a conversation. However, the circumstances now were much grimmer than months previous.

"What happened to this girl?" I asked quietly. Bella sighed.

"She got caught up with a bad crowd. She didn't mean to, but it happened. It was the beginning of high school, everything was so…new. They don't tell you there's more than one wrong crowd, you know. There isn't a _handbook_ on how to fit in."

She sighed impatiently once more, fidgeting as she talked. "Jane…this group was sort of experimental, okay, tried out a lot of things you would probably think are really justifiably insane. But they taught her...how to stop feeling so low. How not to care." Once again she took a deep breath. "-By cutting herself." I froze.

"It was easy. And this girl liked it a little too much. I-Jane...got a little carried away. But she made a best friend along the way, one of the most beautiful girls in the world, and her name was Marlene Johnson, you might have heard about her on the news or something. And Marlene treated Jane kind of like you do, or Jacob, or a mix of the two. We-they, were reckless together. Really reckless. Crossed all kinds of boundaries people really just shouldn't."

"They had an itch for it, naturally, which made them different from the rest of the group. They liked getting hurt even before the cutting, enjoyed it. But Marlene didn't have quite the same upbringing as Jane," Bella said sadly. "She didn't have people telling her to stop, forcing this stuff out into the open. People treated Jane differently, probably because Marlene was the alpha and everybody knew that she couldn't be changed. But Jane was young, new to it all, and people began to worry."

"I was taking too many risks," Bella said, completely giving up on the 'Jane' facade all together. I was glad, but it was unbelievably painful to hear her talk about this without the pretense. "People...people don't like it when you go the hospital more than once for severe blood loss. It creates rumors, negative vibes...and our group was all about secrecy." She smiled then, a trace of something I couldn't quite pin sparking up in her eyes. "But I made it, somehow, to Marlene's beta without puncturing too many veins. I mean, there were some nights where I couldn't walk for a few minutes, or when I passed out and had to call Marlene to bandage me, but- oh! I'm sorry. Was that too graphic?"

For the first time in minutes, Bella's eyes once again met my own, and it was like she was coming out of a daze. She seemed genuinely concerned for my health, which was nearly laughable at this point. If I was human, I would have thrown up long before her extraneous details. I could imagine them well enough on my own. I shook my head slightly, trying to encourage her.

"Keep going," I instructed smoothly, and I wasn't sure what my voice conveyed. I still couldn't believe there had been so much between us I hadn't known. Who could believe that Bella, innocent little Bella, could have such a past? How had I not known? I should have known. It had to have been obvious, there were signs I'd missed, hints she'd dropped or just slipped up on that I hadn't recognized or understood. She'd probably been trying to tell me for years, or if she hadn't been, then it was because she couldn't trust me. I was a terrible excuse for a human being. Here I was trying to marry the most precious woman in the world, and I couldn't even-

"Stop!" She said suddenly. I glanced at Bella quizzically, pure confusion written on my face.

"I can see what you're doing," she hurried. "You're trying to beat yourself up. Stop it. It's not your…anyone's fault. It's not a fault even. It just happened, okay, and it doesn't really matter. Don't make it a big deal, it doesn't change anything. This is just something about me that you didn't know, but now you know. Okay?"

Her eyes were pleading with mine, urging a war between the two of us. How could this not change anything? This changed everything.

Horror washed over me as I considered how many mistaken shaving cuts I could have assumed. Every time she came out of the bathroom…what if she hadn't been able to give it up at all? What if she'd seriously injured herself and I hadn't even noticed? There were so many possibilities, so many things I needed to know and regardless, why hadn't she told me until now?

"Marlene killed herself."

My eyes snapped back to hers immediately. She didn't say anything else, and it seemed as if she was waiting for me to say something in return. But how did anyone respond to something like that?

"I'm sorry," I told her, and she nodded.

"Yeah," Bella said softly. "Me too."

**You know what to do. It rhymes with review. Oh wait, actually it's just review..**


	20. Buried

**A/N:** Love me, hate me, review with a storm of fury for how long it's taken me to update - but seriously guys, I am so sorry for breaking my promise. Hate me more for the fact that I hardly edited anything more than I did a few months ago on this chapter, so it's, well, rough.. and short. But I have more! I promise. And this chapter was pretty emotional for me to write, as you will see. So thank you so much for reading, love you guys, and, as always, REVIEW! Also as always, xoxo. No song for this chapter. Sorry! :)

**BPOV**

"I miss her," she told me, swallowing loudly and shifting in her spot on the bed. It was easy to see that she was uncomfortable_. What a strange turn of events occurred this evening_, I thought to myself. It was practically a miracle she could still stand; my poor, utterly autonomous future-fiancé. _No_, I realized. It was a miracle _I _could still stand.

A few stray wisps of hair displaced as she moved, and she unconsciously acted to tuck them back in. So unaware of her beauty, my Bella. But how beautiful she truly was. Even now, with pain shining through her incandescent eyes and sleep tugging down her lids, she was awesome. Maybe it was the flush of her cheeks as she spoke, the gentle glow of her skin, or the tilt of her aslant chin. The only thing I really knew right then was that I hated seeing her suffer.

"Bella…" I sighed, inaudible to her. I was hoping (which was against my nature) that we could get through tonight without any more shake-ups. Both of us had to be exhausted, though I knew we were hiding it from each other fairly well. My exhaustion, of course, was not physical. Rather after experiencing so much with her, I needed some time to process and categorize the day. It was true vampires did not need sleep in the conventional way that humans did, but just as humans used the time to sort, so did we. And it had, in fact, been a very long day. Very long. Infinite.

I was brought back from my reverie by a menacing finger pressing feebly into my chest. "Don't start," growled Bella, all traces of our earlier pleasantries eradicated from her features.

"This isn't…this isn't easy for me," she began, glancing anywhere but at me while she talked. "I have this…past, that I'm not really comfortable sharing. With anyone! Not just you, I mean, I know that's what it must seem like by now, but really. It's just…ugh." She was babbling. In spite of everything that had happened, I couldn't help but notice the quirk I loved about her.

"_Stop smiling!"_ Was I smiling? Was I really, truly, smiling in the middle of all of this?

I worked to refrain a chuckle. I was truly a monster. "I'm sorry, love." I told her. "Please continue."

She looked at me skeptically for a moment before returning to her earlier speech. As I read over her troubled face, I had the sudden instinct to groan. This day was, clearly, far from over. Unbelievable.

"As I was saying," she mumbled, "This isn't easy for me. But it's going to be even harder for you." She said, glancing up from the bedspread to meet my eyes with her own. "But I'm going to start from the beginning." Bella took in a deep breath, and I had the sense that she was still fighting that same internal struggle as before.

"What you have to understand, Edward," she told me, "is that in…in Phoenix, I wasn't…happy. I was actually really _unhappy_." She began fidgeting again, and I frowned. After her friend had committed such a horrible act, I could believe it. But I hated to here her say it. I wanted to murder the bastards who were responsible for it.

Bella sighed impatiently, glancing sideways for a brief second before continuing.

"Remember when we just met, and you were asking me about books all day?"

She tapped my knee lightly with her own, and I wondered how even the slightest touch could affect me in such a situation. "And you were surprised, because I'd read so many?"

She paused, and then proceeded as if I had given her an answer. She didn't need one, of course. She knew it was physically impossible for me to forget.

"Yeah, well, reading wasn't exactly a conscious choice." She hesitated for the briefest second. "-I didn't know what else to do. I was in a dark place, and books were a distraction. They sort of kept me…" She trailed off, closing her eyes momentarily. The whole time her hands had been unconsciously twisting the bedspread, and now it laid a crumpled mess beneath us. I didn't want to push her, but for what felt like the trillionth time that night I scorned the fact that I could not read her mind. Her breath came out in a whisper, the faintest sound that could have been a release of air on a cold winter night.

"They sort of kept me alive."

My jaw dropped open in shock. Was she suggesting what I thought she was suggesting? It couldn't be, my sweet, innocent little Bella. I knew enough of her to know that this should be foreign territory. Her fury over my own attempt should have proven that. No. This wasn't, what she was telling me, I had it wrong. I was a pessimist. This was all wrong. There was no way Bella could have been suicidal. I just didn't see it. And I would have known.

She bit her lip, scrunching in on herself even more, if possible. I wanted nothing more than to reach out my arms and comfort her, to forget this awful day and erase it from her mind. I wanted to hold her, but I knew she kept the distance between us for a reason. But this distance was painful. For both of us.

"They failed, though," she continued. "The books. After a while." I didn't understand what she was getting at. I _hoped _I didn't understand what she was getting at.

" I told you…I told you a minute ago, that at the end of 10th grade my best friend killed herself?" I nodded.

"That was true. But," she took another deep breath, "but what I didn't tell you was that I-I didn't cope so well with it, after. You know, you know about the whole 'group' and-" She made slicing motions beside her wrist, to my great disturbance. "But that's not really what sent me to…well, here. Forks. After Marlene, I…" Once more she closed her eyes, sort of laughing to herself as she did so.

"I tried to kill myself."


	21. Out

**A/N: **Sorry if you guys don't like this chapter, most of it I wrote today, whereas last chapter most of the material was old. I'm pretty rusty, so any feeback would be very helpful. Also, reviews make my life, so...xoxo.

**Song For This Chapter: Spell - Marie Digby **

For a moment, there was a heartbeat of silence. I didn't know whether this was a good or bad thing. And then, finally, he seemed to catch up. Or control himself. Or…something.

"_You what?_" I winced at the severity of his tone. For once in my life, that angelic voice that I loved so much was untraceable to the angel standing in front of me. Who was livid, to say the least. I thanked my lucky stars that Charlie was working a late shift; if he had been home, there was no way he wouldn't have heard Edward _now_. And in all of my life, I'd never seem him so furious. So _angry_. Hell, the word angry wasn't strong enough. This was the side of him I completely and fully didn't know—the vampire.

I tried to act calm, though in reality I was anything but. I was already cursing myself a hundred times over for having let that particular confession slip through. This was going to change everything. _But it shouldn't! _My mind was pleading uselessly with my voice. I needed to say something, anything to get Edward to understand that this was not as big of a deal as it seemed. For the most part I had moved on, and it was only the occasional memory that still stung. I had learned to block it out, to escape into the present as a way to forgo the past. He just needed to understand.

"Stop, stop, stop!" I panicked. My hands were reaching out to him, but he was too far away. They hung panicked in mid-air, all rational thought abandoned at the sight of his face…because there was something there, in that face. Something I'd never seen when he was talking to me. It was a look reserved for the countless times Mike Newton tried to hit on me, or any interaction I had with Jacob. It wasn't a look I knew well, and the one thing I knew right then was that I did not deserve that look of disgust. Coming from an angel, no one did.

"It was a mistake." I whimpered. I looked back down at my lap and noticed that his knuckles were clenched white across the floor. I guess he'd thought he was only ever the suicidal one. There was another beat of silence before he finally spoke. In that moment, the fear and panic I'd been holding in since his return crashed down upon me in full blast. The worry that he'd leave me, that I wasn't _good enough_. It was like we were separated by a thousand miles, him all the way in Volterra and me rushing aimlessly to rescue him. In that moment, I was hyper-aware of the fact that I was a mere mortal, and he was a god. And the two didn't mix.

"Bella," Edward said, and in that moment I saw all of his disgust and confusion fade away. I could see the conflict raging beneath his eyes. He was furious with me for keeping this from him for so long, disgusted that I could understand the same base instinct that had driven him in his own attempt. It was not something you wanted to share. Yet he hadn't been there for me when it mattered, something we were still both coming to terms with, and a part of him would want to give me some slack. I wondered absently if I would have told him sooner if he'd never left me.

Hesitantly, as if seeking my permission before he did so, he reached out to me and lightly brushed my neck with his pointer finger. It was a slow, deliberate trace that started at my chin and concluded at my collarbone. It seemed to say, _it's okay_, and so I brushed his fingers away, because it wasn't.

"I was, Edward I was just really, I was really stupid, okay? Don't…I…" I began to stutter but tried to ignore it. My hands became shaky as I spoke. I didn't look at his face, because I didn't want to see what look his eyes held now. But I heard his breathing, that pointless human characteristic that helped him to blend in. It was steady, and so I continued.

"I tried to do it fast. I didn't want to chicken out," I told him. Edward's face remained impassive. After a long pause, he spoke.

"So what, pray tell, did you do?"

I didn't know whether to respond immediately; I didn't know what he would think. But really, was there a _wrong_ way to try to kill yourself? It seemed kind of ridiculous even to me. I laughed again, more out of nervousness than anything else. I decided the truth was the best route to take. I was going to be royally screwed after tonight no matter what.

"Um, I think… half a bottle of.. Tylenol?" I glanced up at him, but he didn't respond, and I was still babbling. "I figured it seemed appropriate, you know, ending the pain with pain killers." A muscle twitched in his hand. I took this as a sign that he was not finding amusement in my humor. I had the sudden urge to stand.

I chewed on my lip some more, thinking this whole thing had been a mistake. The pressure was too intense. The room suddenly felt toxic, and I had that insanely basic urge to cut. My fingers fidgeted with the covers, needing something to do other than be still. The silence grew until it became too much for me to bear.

"Don't be mad at me," I pleaded. I nearly laughed at my next sentence; "You can't be mad at me for something I did before I even met you! I'm sorry, okay? But you can't be mad. That's, like, the biggest rule in the book. You just.."

"And what book, Bella, is that?" Edward interrupted. I chanced a glance at his face and then wished I hadn't. He was still furious with me, the angel in him still succumbing to his pulsing anger.

I cleared my throat loudly, trying to shake off the feeling that I was continuously saying the wrong thing. Edward stared at me carefully, judgment shining all over his perfect face. I wasn't used to talking to him like this, when he was _trying _to put me down. I realized with a pang that he wasn't my friend in this conversation—he was my enemy.

"Edward, can you just _stop for a minute_?" There was more silence, and then he moved to get up, like he was leaving. I stared at him in astonishment, and there was disgust on my own face as he moved towards the window.

The pressure got to me then, and before I knew what I was doing I was on my feet screaming at him. His response was immediate as he turned to me, and right then I knew neither of us was thinking rationally.

"_What the hell are you doing_?" I screamed at him.

"_What the hell does it look like I'm doing?_'

"I said I'm _sorry_, Edward!What more do you want from me?"

"_You should have told me, Bella!" _Edward yelled, and I'd never heard his voice get so loud.

The silence following his confession was deafening. His words sunk in slowly, but their meaning was relentless. He wasn't mad at me for the action. How could he be? No, of course he wasn't. I'd been so stupid.

He was mad at me for the secret.

He was mad I'd never told him.

I'd kept a monumental part of my life from him, and he'd given everything to me. _Everything._

I was a monster. I was the bane of humanity. And for the first time since we'd met each other, I was a girl who couldn't be trusted.

My breath was coming out in pants as we stared at each other, and even though I was freezing there was sweat on my forehead. I expected him to leave me now, to leave through the window and never come back. The pain I felt was crippling. I'd ruined everything, and I knew it.

But as I moved to brush the hair out of my face, to bury my face in my hands and never wake up, I felt his cool presence wrap around my body. He pulled me tight, and all I could think was that I didn't deserve him.

Any other night, the scene would have looked normal. But as I felt his chest rise and fall with every passing second, felt him squeeze me so tight that I knew I was bruising, I realized there was something very wrong with this picture.

Edward was sobbing.


	22. Author's Note

This isn't a story update, so sorry for the false hope. Just want to let you guys know that I'm revising the chapters I have so far, so some changes might be made that you should look out for. If you feel like re-reading, I think it would help you follow along as the story continues to be updated. But, for those of you who don't care to re-read, the following is a list of changes. Also, I've only revised chapters 2-9 so far, but I'll probably finish the rest by the end of the weekend. And in addition to the changes, I also took out a bunch of paragraphs or side stories that didn't get finished. So, changes/extras you need to know about so far:

1. Edward's had experience in the past with dealing with cutters, and though he's extremely disgusted, usually he just wants to 'fix him' because it's in his nature. (A back story might come later.)

2. Alice got kicked out of the truck from the very beginning of Edward & Bella's conversation, so though she knows some of what they talked about, she might not know everything. Also, she's lying about some of her visions - she hasn't actually had any visions of Bella trying to cut _yet_.

3. Bella didn't show Edward and Alice her arm. So, the scars are yet to come out.

So, that's all for now. I'll update this tomorrow or at the end of the weekend with a full list. If anyone wants to re-read and tell me which version you like better, I would be much obliged. :)

XXX


End file.
